I'll follow you into the dark
by Rodgers Corner
Summary: A shakarian love story with focus on their growing relationship. For those who thought it was too little romance and smutty scenes in the game. Mostly ME2 canon, with some slight changes.
1. I'll follow you into the dark

**A/N: You know the drill, I don't own Mass Effect or any character in it. This fic will follow the original story-line, with some small changes from my side. Enjoy! **

_Love of mine, some day you will die_

_But I'll be close behind_

_I'll follow you into the dark_

_No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white_

_Just our hands clasped so tight_

_Waiting for a hint of a spark_

_If Heaven and Hell decide_

_That they both are satisfied_

_Illuminate their "No"s on their vacancy signs_

_If there's no one beside you_

_when your soul embarks_

_then I'll follow you into the dark  
><em>

**_ .:I will follow you into the dark – Death Cab for Cutie:._**

* * *

><p><em>- Shepard!<em>

She had done what she could to save as many as possible, but it wasn't enough. And Joker, that dutiful bastard, didn't realize the ship was beyond redemption. She had to drag him down from the cockpit, through the corridor and forcefully throw him into the last evacuation pod. The sight of horror and realization in Jokers face when she pressed the launch button filled her with sadness, but also joy that he hopefully would survive. He would never understand why she did this sacrifice for him, and he would probably blame himself for a while. But that was the thing. Shepard couldn't let anyone die for her if she could help it. She watched the pod drift away from the ship in the same direction as the others, and had never felt so lonely.

Normandy was a blazing inferno and would soon be a dying wreckage beyond recognition. Shepard ignored the explosions and turned back to the bridge. Burned corpses lay on the deck among armor pieces, cables and scrap metal but she tried to ignore what she was seeing. Shepard grabbed the railing where she just minutes ago was planning their next route, before hell broke loose. She would go down with her ship, as any true captain would. Fear rushed through her veins, a rare feeling for her. When it came to combat she was always ready, full with pumping adrenaline and staring death in its face. At those times she knew what she was doing. But now…She couldn't do anything about the situation and had never been so afraid in all her life. Suddenly a big explosion roared from the cockpit where Joker sat not five minutes from now. The monstrous force ripped the ship apart and knocked her out of the ship and into the vacuum.

Shepard was surprised she survived the blast, but it felt cold and something was leaking. She reached for the airtube behind her back and felt the oxygen escape her armor. Damn it! She didn't fight Saren and save the galaxy just to end up like this; alone in space while suffocating. It wasn't right. Shepard felt the panick rise when she tried to breath in the last ounces of oxygen. What did she do wrong? Why didn't she see the threath in time? The guilt for the lost lives on Normandy pounded in her chest but regrets wouldn't help her now. She felt the tingling sensation of asphyxia in her fingers and in the face. Shepard was not yet ready to let go of her last inhalation, even though her lungs burned like fire for the longing of more oxygen. They said life passed before your eyes upon death, but instead known faces flashed by; Kaidan, Ashley, Tali, Liara, Pressly, Andersson. She didn't regret her choice to sacrifice Kaidan for the better good of the mission, he knew what he signed up for. But atleast he died for something, unlike what she was doing now. A meaningless death. Ashley, who barely obeyed the last order given – to get herself to an evacpod. Sweet little innocent Tali who'd become like a sister for Shepard. The exotic, thrilling and smart Asarian who was the closest to a female friend she had had in her adult life. When she thought about Andersson her eyes watered a little. The man who always had believed in her and mentored her through all the years since she enlisted. She would never see them again. Would they be allright?

Her chest cramped, fighting frenetically for more air but she stubbornly held her last breath. The closer to death the more important the visions, some believed, and now she saw the turian face in front of her. The tall C-sec officer who was too good for the citadel bureacracy. He had fought with her to the end and they still argued about who had taken the last shot, before Saren killed himself. She smiled sadly. Shepard regretted she never told him how much he meant for her, how much she relied on him to be there at her six, how she never learnt to trust anyone fully before he came into her life. God, she missed his vibrant, rumbling laugh. The long nightly conversations during the endless reparations of the Mako. His beautiful ice-blue eyes. A single tear ran down her cheek. She was ready to let go. Shepard exhaled, and the love she never had the chance to feel slipped through her lips…

"_Garrus…"_


	2. That woman was his sweetest friend

Got left  
>Got left<br>I got left again  
>That woman was my sweetest friend<br>Got left  
>Got left<br>I got left again  
>That woman was my sweetest friend<br>That woman was my sweetest friend

I can't eat  
>I can't sleep no more<br>And loneliness is at my door  
>That girl wont give my mind no rest<br>My heart feels cold inside my chest yes yes  
>My heart feels cold inside my chest<p>

**.: Got Left – Hoffmaestro:.**

* * *

><p>"Garrus…"<p>

He woke up in his bed at the citadel, startled. The sheets had nestled its way half around his throat, and his legs were entangled in the blanket. His dreams had been erratic and confusing. All he could remember was bright colors in red, yellow and orange. Heat. Smoke. The screams. And then the cold. The thing that woke him up was Shepards silent whisper. A whisper pleading for his attention. Garrus kicked away the blankets and reached for his visor at the bedtable. It was way too early to get up, so he didn't. But he couldn't get himself to sleep either. He haven't had any dreams for a long time, especially not disturbing onces. Why now? Did something happen?

His Omnitool pinged. Probably a message from a celebrating and drunk Chellik, or from his sister Solana. It could wait until the morning. Garrus closed his eyes in an attempt to get back to sleep. The morning would bring a lot of paper work after the merc-raid C-Sec did yesterday and he needed his sleep since he hadn't got much of it in the last days. It pinged again. And again. What the hell? He sat up and activated the omnitool. Three messages from…Liara? Sure, they were part of the same crew under Shepards command but they didn't get so close as to be called "friends". What did she want? A bad feeling was growing in his gut when he opened the first message.

**.:Hi, Officer Vakarian! This is Liara T'Soni. Are you awake? I have news of great importance to you. Can we talk?:.**

**.:Vakarian. IT IS IMPORTANT. Please answer.:.**

**.:For fuck sake, Garrus. WAKE UP!:.**

He had never heard Liara curse before and it troubled him. Garrus pressed the dial-button and a few seconds later Liara answered.

"Garrus?"

"Yeah, Liara. It's me. What's so important that you of all aliens had to wake me up?"

"So, you haven't heard yet. I'm so sorry for telling you this, Garrus"

He heard her sob, and fear was creeping up his spine. This was about Shepard. He was sure about it.

"What the hell is this about, Liara? Tell me"

He was afraid of what she was about to tell him, bu the needed to know. Did it had something to do with his dreams? He hoped not, because they were really disturbing. Liara stifled her sobs and took a deep breath.

"Normandy is gone, Garrus. And most of the crew with it. Shepard didn't make it."

She didn't make it. The whisper that woke him up was the dying breath of his best friend.

"What happened?"

"The Alliance Navy first spoke of a Collector ship, but they have been silenced. According to the Counsil it was a geth ship. I have tried to reach Captain Andersson to confirm my intel, but I haven't had so much luck. "

"You have to give me some more, Liara. What happened with the ship and the crew?"

"Normandy was surprised, and took heavy damage. Several explosions were recorded and only a few evacuation pods made it. They are picking up the pods as we speak. "

"How do you know she didn't make it if there's still pods out there? You know her! She always get herself in the most impossible situations and get out of it with plans-made-up-in-the-run."

"I spoke with Joker. They picked his pod up first, but he was the last to leave Normandy. Shepard jumped into the ocean of fire in the cockpit and saved his ass. His femures were broken and he tried to make her leave him there, but she refused. Shepard dragged him through the ship and threw him into the last pod. Joker tried to reach for her when she pressed the evac-button. I am so so sorry to be the one telling you this."

"So she's really gone, huh?"

He didn't believe it. The fierce, quick female of human race always made it, not matter how hard the mission. She always had a plan-B, C or Z in her pocket. It wasn't fair. She was a fucking brilliant commander. She was supposed to die fighting, not alone in the silent space. How did she die? Hopefully quick.

"Garrus? Are you ok? Talk to me!"

Liaras voice woke him up from his thoughts.

"No, I'm not ok, Liara. "

And with that he ended their conversation.

Garrus mind was numb. His brain couldn't process the information he just got. Instead he dwelled in memories of when he first met her. He had worked with the C-Sec back then. He had followed up a stinky trail of the Spectre Saren but no one believed him. His officers at work tried to silence him and he had to continue in secret if he wanted to keep his job.

Then Garrus met Commander Shepard. A human Alliance officer who actually believed him. He was invited to join her mission and it was an offer he couldn't say no to, even if he was sceptical to the human race. It was not long ago since the First Contact War and the feelings for this new race was still somewhat hard. In the end they survived and Saren was dead. Even when they separated before she went off for some Alliance missions they argued about who had taken the last shot on Saren. He knew she had, but he never admitted it to her.

During their months together she had become more than a Commander to him. She was a friend. His best friend. It was a peculiar experience since Turians didn't make friends that easily, especially not outside the turian society. He had fought with her on almost every mission, being at her six, watching her back. Garrus had come to appreciate the small figure ahead of him. Made it easier to aim without risking to shoot her. He remembered she made the most hilarious statements in the middle of a fight, making him smile and reply something witty right back at her. Oh, her laugh. So unlike a female turians husky voice.

More times that not she came down to him in the middle of the night while he was making reparations or improvements to the Mako. He knew she had some trouble sleeping and her company was always welcome. Sometimes she sat at the hood, staring down the engine while she talked to him. Once in a while she took a board and rolled under the Mako, sliding up next to him. Small talk. Sometimes hours went without them saying anything, but it was a comfortable silence. She was so unlike any officer he'd met, but it didn't compromise her leadership. Rather the opposite. His former turian officers could learn something from her, he thought.

Human touching was more casual than turian, he learned. Turians almost only touched to intensify feelings. Shepard often touched his arm when she was laughing and punched his biceps when she tried to get him into combat mood, as if it was needed. At first he took offence, but after some time he understood the human way of body language. Her skin was so soft to touch and her delicate hands could do things he never thought was possible. She often helped him with the small details during reparations, for which he was grateful. He always felt good when he managed to make her laugh. Her eyes always lit up and if eyes could laugh it would be hers. Green, beautiful eyes. He found them staring at him often enough in combat and when their eyes met she always smiled.

Garrus understood just then that Shepard could have been more than a friend. He thought his feelings was only friendly but when his mind threw all these memories over him he remembered all the details about her. He had been in love without realising it, and now it was too late. Too late…

He fell down on the bed and his talons ripped the bedclothes into shreds. A wailing slipped through his lips, pithcing higher and higher. The sorrow and anxiety grew in his chest and threatened to rip him apart. He couldn't breath. Couldn't move. The feelings were too fucking painful. He, who never had loved anyone like this before, why did it have to be right now? Why did his mind all of a sudden remember the small moments? It hurt so badly.

Garrus took one painful breath and he felt something stir inside. A forceful growl grew in his chest and Garrus threw all the anger he had inside himself onto his furniture. The glass table shattered when he threw it against the kitchen island. Paintings was ripped apart and his talons left frenzied marks everywhere on the walls and benches. The predator in him was loose and he couldn't restrain himself any longer. He walked out of his life and left his broken heart within the shredded apartment.


	3. She's not me

_She doesn't love you like I do_

_She doesn't have my name_

_However she tries to act like it_

_She'll never be the same_

_Does she_

_Make you feel wanted - like I did?_

_Make you feel like you're the one thing that matters?_

_You let her head rest - on your chest_

_But when you close your eyes_

_You'll be seeing my face again_

_I'll be crossing your mind_

_You'll be dreaming of places we went_

_And then you'll wake up to find_

_That she's not me_

_She's not me_

_She's not me_

_Remember_

_That she's not me_

**.: She's not me, Pt.1 – Zara Larsson**

* * *

><p><em>Garrus was happy and satisfied now when Shepard lay at his side. Her head was resting on his shoulder snoring lightly, and some of her red hair was tickling his nose, but he didn't mind. He put an arm around her, resting his hand in the curve of her smooth waist and stroking his thumb slightly back and forward. He wanted to stay like this forever…<em>

Garrus came back to consciousness, but he didn't open his eyes. It was too bright in the room, and inside his head imaginary krogans tried to charge out of his skull. The hungover had him in a firm grip while he tried to put the pieces back from last night. He felt something heavy on his chest, and he opened one eye. Riiight…

Some glints of yesterday came back. In his bed lay one of the dumbest repeated decisions he had ever made – an asari prostitute who had cuddled up against his warm body, probably because of the cold temperature since he didn't have any blankets. His arm lay on her waist, just like in his dream. After his first dumb-drunk decision he swore to never do it again –that was six or seven times ago. Why did he never learn? Shame and guilt spread through his mind and body, because of someone who had been dead for more than a year. He tried to think that he didn't owe her anything, but it did no good. In his fucked up mind they were no longer best friends, but lovers. And that's why he kept doing this. It was the only way to reconnect with Shepard. The only time it felt real.

That first time…It was about six months ago. He was so deep in self-loathe and hatred, sitting in the Afterlife trying to ease the built-up tension with the strongest dextro-booze the Bartender had to offer. When he first came to Omega his purpose was noble. He would bring justice into a world of anarchy. It only took a couple of weeks before justice was replaced with vengeance, and for every kill he made he lost a piece of his innocence. Where battle had erased his tension it was now building instead. No matter how hard he tried to make a worthy fight of the killing, it was slowly strangling him. It was unbearable. Garrus watched the Asari dancers without interest. He knew what they did for a second living. It wasn't their fault, really. But he knew the dark truth behind it all.

A couple of hours later he stumbled out of the club. He'd never been this drunk before and this time the alcohol hadn't helped him. Not even a little. Right then it seemed like a very good idea to blow off some of the steam in him. He started to walk down the alley where he knew some of the dancers would be, waiting for someone like him. A sorry fellow who couldn't find anything else.

"Hi, honey! Want some company tonight?"

"Hey there, handsome!"

"Turian! Need to ease your tension?"

He didn't bother to answer them. He knew who he wanted for company this night. It was one of the younger dancers, still somewhat undestroyed and innocent. She was always smiling at him every time he came to Afterlife, and her eyes were laughing. She was young and beautiful. He went further down the alley and found her talking with a friend. She saw him coming and ended her conversation, waiting for him.

"Hey there, stranger. What makes you come down to this part of Omega? I thought you would've been knocked out by know, with all that booze." she smiled at him.

"I came for you" was his short answer.

"Oh! Ok. Didn't know you needed this kind of company."

He brought her to his den, and when they walked through the door he didn't know what to do.

"I…uhm.. never done this before…I mean…not like this"

She looked at him, understanding some of the problem.

"Hey there, big boy. Don't think too much. I'll take care of you tonight. I will make you forget"

She took is hand and pulled him towards the bed, and shoved him on to it. Slowly she climbed the bed and approached him on all four. Her touch made it clear to him that he wasn't her first turian. Garrus tried to enjoy her sweet, tickling touch while she straddled his waist. He closed his eyes and suddenly there were no asari dancer there, but a redheaded woman with fierce, green eyes smiling down at him. Reality and fantasy turned into one and he embraced this opportunity, cherishing the moment. He could finally tell her how much he missed her, how much he loved her, how much she meant for him. That everything would be alright now. He would make love to Shepard that night.

Garrus woke up a couple of hours later, in a limbo between drunk and hangover. He turned his head only to see a figure burrowed in his blankets. It was not Shepard. And everything came back to him. What the hell had he done? The pain he had tried to hide deep inside himself came back with so much force he stopped breathing for a time. He had fucked a prostitute, in an attemp to forget. Instead he remembered her far too well. He had fucked an illusion.

Ritikka woke up, and turned to face him. She saw the distress in his face.

"Who is she?"

"who?"

"Don't play stupid with me. I'm not blind, nor deaf."

"It doesn't matter. She belongs to the past. Please, go. I need to be alone."

Garrus turned his back on her. She got herself out of the bed and dressed up. One last look at him before she went out the door. Sweet emotional pain was filling Ritikkas mind. She knew the Turian wasn't the usual client, but she didn't know he would be so…broken. She would remember this night. The turian didn't fuck her, like all the others. He had made sweet love to her, even though she knew it wasn't to her. Not really. He had had an hallucination about a long lost lover. All the sweet words, that wasn't meant for her. But is was Ritikkas to keep. In this profession your heart would be broken sooner or later. At least she knew to whom she wold loose her heart. If he ever came back she would be there for him. But deep in her heart she knew that she was not HER. And would never be.


	4. The pulse of life

_Beginning to move_

_Slowly changing_

_Cells connect_

_The sum of the parts_

_Process quickens_

_Continues to grow_

_Never ceasing_

_Getting stronger_

_Getting louder_

_The pulse of life_

_The heart beating_

_Quantum motion_

_Power taking over_

_Energy flowing_

_Gaining momentum_

_Like the beat of drums_

**.: Momentum – VNV Nation:.**

"…er…..ke u…..ander….ake up!"

Something far, far away disturbed her sleep. Her body felt so heavy, and she didn't want to wake up. Shepard tried to ignore the annoying voice in her ears.

"…AKE UP! COMMANDER….come on…you have to wake up, NOW!"

She didn't recognize the female voice who thought she could give her orders. Shepard tried to collect her thoughts. Where was she? Wasn't she supposed to be dead? Her body ached, and the eyelids were so heavy. She tried to move her limbs, but without success. God, she was so dry in her mouth, and her tongue felt like sandpaper. Ok, one step at a time, she thought. Focus on the hands. With some effort she moved her fingers, and soon her arms. Come on! This would take the whole day, which she suspected she didn't have according to the panic in the mystery voice. She opened the eyes but closed them just as quickly. The light was too strong. Carefully she squinted them, and tried to sit up on whatever she was laying on.

"Commander, good to see you are awake, but you need to take yourself out of there. The facility is under attack. "

Her eyes still tried to adjust to the light, and her vision was somewhat foggy. What the hell was happening? She looked around and saw gunfight outside the plexiglass wall.

"There's a pistol in the locker on the other side of the room. You have to hurry"

With a huge effort Shepard stepped down on the floor and tried to keep her balance. With stumbling steps she moved towards the locker. There she found a pistol and some armor. Atleast I remember how to use it, she thought and moved out of the room.

Within a couple of hours she knew how she died, that she was resuscitated and to whom she should be "grateful" to. The meeting with the Illusive Man went well enough. But even if Cerberus was behind her resurrection and owned this ship they would never own her. Shepard would play along as long as their goals matched hers –to take care of the reaper threat, and Lawson as an XO wouldn't change anything.

She was pleasantly surprised to meet Joker again, and glad that he had survived two years ago. But to her the memory of that moment was all too fresh so she didn't linger on that subject. Instead she talked with him about the new ship. He acted like a child on Christmas Day. The only fly in the cup, according to him, was the new improvement – EDI, the ships VI. Poor little Joker couldn't from now on push Normandys boundaries, without having a nagging female VI in his ear. She smiled to herself while she walked down the bridge.

It was hard for her to see the new CIC. Pictures flashed by, her white knuckles holding on to the railing. Fire. Explosions. And the awful smell of burnt flesh. Shepard shaked her head and continued to the elevator. Hopefully this one would be quicker than on the original Normandy. She pressed the button for "Crew's Deck" and watched the metal doors close. Soon enough they opened again.

_Wow!_ Cerberus didn't lack the money, so to speak. A crews quarter, two different bathrooms, a bar, star lounge and a big open space for meals. But it didn't feel right with all the Cerberus crew around. Shepard saw some movement in the medic bay and headed there.

"Commander Shepard, it's good to see you alive. "

"Dr. Chakwas! It's nice to see another familiar face. Thought I would be stuck up with only Cerberus people. How come you of all people let them employ you?".

"Well, most of the original crew that was left got reassigned. I was stationed at a medic center on mars. A very respectable position. But…it wasn't a starship. So, when I got a chance to work at a high class ship again I couldn't resist. Shepard, truth be told, I might be employed by them, but I work for you. "

Chakwas last words almost moved her to tears, and she had to turn her head a little so it didn't show.

"Thank you. It is good to know I have trustworthy people at my back. "

Shepard left the medbay and headed for her cabin. It had been a long day, and she needed some time for herself. She haven't had the time to think things through and to collect the pieces of her wandering mind. When she stepped into her cabin she halted. To her left a blue-glowing fishtank occupied a good part of the wall. It was obvious the Illusive Man and his crew didn't know her that good. If she never could keep bowl-fishes alive when she was a kid, then she definitely couldn't do it now. From the stairs she gave the cabin an overview. So much space, only for her. It was too much, too intimidating, too lonely.

Atleast she was satisfied with her work space. Enough room and light to let her clean her weapons and armor. She picked up one of the datapads and threw it on the bed. A hot shower would do her good before she cuddled herself up in a pyjamas. If she had one, that is. Shepard opened the wardrobe, and after a few minutes she found something cozy enough. A tank top and soft shorts. I'll have to do.

The bathroom was big with a huge mirror covering one wall, a toilet and a shower. She dropped her clothes where she stood and watched herself in the mirror. In her face she saw one big, red scar crossing her cheek and several healed ones as well. But on her body there's wasn't a single mark to prove that she had been rebuilt. The thought sent a shiver through her spine. Rebuilt. Like she was a fucking robot. Maybe she was? She felt uncomfortable in her body, even if there were several perks coming with it. She left her mirror image and stepped into the shower area, exploring the buttons on the panel. _Oh_…Steam-mode. Sauna. Cold. Hot. Summer rain. Ok, this shower she could definitely get used to. But for now a casual shower would do.

With her long hair in a towel and the comfy-clothes on she jumped into the bed with the datapad in her hands. So much she needed to know, but she was afraid. For her crew it had been over two years. Two years of sorrow and moving on. But for her it had merely been two days. It was a surrealistic experience. Anxiety rose in her chest and it was hard to breath. They lost her years ago, but now she had to feel the loss of all of them. How could she ever approach them and tell them _Hey, nice to see you! And by the way, I'm alive._ Even if it wasn't her fault she would feel so guilty for their mourning.

In her meeting with the Illusive Man she had asked about them, but didn't get any straight answers. _How surprising_! At least they were alive, but they weren't pledged to her now. Instead she had mysterious crew members to pick up from all over the galaxy. It would never be the same. Never. But she would do what she always did – her duty. And for now it was to eliminate the Collectors.

After two hours of tossing and turning in the bed she had had enough. Shepard went down to the medbay, hoping for Chakwas to still be awake. She knocked before she entered.

"Shepard, what brings you here this late? Insomnia?"

"Yeah, sort of. Too much thoughts and memories and regrets."

"Anything you want to talk about?

"Not really. I just miss them"

"I miss them too, Shepard. This ship is not the same without them."

"Do you have anything to sleep on?"

"Yes, I have. The same as before, but you will have to double the dose, since your body contains more biotics. "

"Oh. Anything else I should know?"

"Yes. Your body breaks down nutrition in a faster rate than you are used to. That means you'll have to eat and drink more to keep you up and running. "

"Ok, thanks for the head up, Doc. "

"Are you sure you don't want to talk? I can send Yeoman Chambers to you if you want?"

"Spirits, no shrink please! I come talk to you if I need to vent my thoughts, if that's ok with you?"

"You know you are always welcome, Shepard. Take the pills know and go to bed. You surely need some good sleep. "

Shepard went back for her bed. As the pills kicked in she drowsed off, and the thoughts about a certain turian she had suppressed during the day, came back with full force. He had been gone for two years, disappeared without a trace and an apartment left in ruins. She missed him so much, and right now she needed his soothing voice and teasing conversation. He had lost his best friend, but now when she was alive again the loss of him was so much harder because of her changed feelings. Were was he? What were he doing? Was he even alive? What would she say if she ever met him again? Would he blame her? Hate her? Ignore her? That night she cried herself to sleep.

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><p><strong>AN: Greetings, readers! I know there have been atleast 600+ viewers of this story. I'm not much for begging, but if you have anything to say about my writings, please share it with me in a review. Critics is good if it is contructive, and without it I don't know how to do better. Sincerely, "Rodger". **


	5. Angel's Wings

_You say you're down on your luck_

_Hey baby, It's a long, long way up_

_Hold back now, hold back your fears_

_You say you're really down and out_

_And you feel like there's no way out now_

_Let go now, let go of your tears some more_

_How many times have you asked yourself_

_Is this the hand of fate now that I've been dealt?_  
><em>You're so disillusioned this can't be real<em>

_And you can't stand now the way you feel_

_I don't care about what they say_

_I won't live or die that way_

_Tired of figure out things on my own_

_Angel's wings won't you carry me home?_

**_.:Angel's Wings – Social Disortion:.  
><em>**

* * *

><p>The shot wasn't beautiful but still effective, and the body jerked a few times at the floor before all life ebbed out. There were still more coming, one by one or in groups – all of them trying to get him for a few credits. He'd really managed to piss the merc-gangs off, since they now cooperated. It had never happened before and the truce would probably end when he was dead.<p>

Garrus should be flattered, but he was too exhausted. And that's why he caught himself up in this trap – his ability to take good decisions decreased a couple of hours ago. His body craved for nutrition, and he couldn't remember when he last ate anything. The clips were about to run out too. Garrus was knee-deep in shit, and tried to reconcile himself with the thought that he probably wouldn't surive to the next day. Maybe his restless soul would finally find peace in his death.

On the very far end of the bridge he saw some change in the movements. Something was about to happen. Garrus lifted his sniper rifle and glanced in the scope. By the look of the armor it seemed to be two humans and a Salarian on the move. He made himself comfortable against the concrete pillar and moved the crosshair into position. What the…? No way!

One of the humans was definitely female, with red hair. He recognized the fighting style, but it couldn't be, could it? He changed to concussive rounds and aimed for the shoulder. The woman jerked back a step and looked up at him with such an angry and annoyed face. It was her – it was Shepard. But how? Was he already dying? His brain making up happy illusions? They were running over the bridge now, and he concentrated on the following mercs, who now realized they have been fooled.

He heard them step up behind him.

"Archangel?"

Garrus raised his hand with a signal to wait. There was one last guy down there, hiding behind the pillar. One sec, two sec…there was the mistake he was waiting for, and pressed the trigger. Shepard didn't know it was him. What now? So much feelings inside him – anger, betrayal, hurt, joy, love, anguish. So much he wanted to say, to ask, but he guessed it had to wait. He turned around slowly and sat down on a crater.

"Shepard…I thought you were dead. "

Ouch. There was more than surprise in his voice. A hint of sadness. Hurt. Exhaustion. He looked really tired and if the corpses on the bridge was something to count for she suspected he had been stuck up here for a long time.

"Garrus. What are you doing here?"

"Just keeping my skills sharp. A little target practice. "

"You ok?"

"Been better, but it's sure good to see a friendly face. Killing mercs is hard work, especially on my own."

"Since when did you call yourself Archangel?"

"It's just a name the locals gave me for…all my good deeds. Hmp. I don't mind it, but please, it's just Garrus to you."

"So…what are YOU doing here on Omega? "

"I got fed up with all the beaucratic crap on the Citadel. Figured I could do more good on my own. It's not hard to find criminals here. All I have to do is point my gun and shoot."

"How did you manage to piss off every major merc organization in the Terminus System?"

"It wasn't easy. I reeeally had to work on it. I am amazed they teamed up to fight me. They must really hate me."

"You nailed me good a couple of times by the way."

"Concussive rounds only. No harm done. Didn't want the mercs to get suspicious."

"Uhu?"

"If I wanted to do more than take your shields done I've would have done it. Besides, you were taking you sweet time. I needed to get you moving. "

"Well, we got here, but I don't think getting out will be as easy."

* * *

><p>"Garrus…!" Mordin, do something!"<p>

No. No. No. This was so unfair. He just got her back from the dead, and now it was his turn to die. Damn, his head hurt, and he felt something warm tickling down in between the armor and his body. He was bleeding out. Great!

"Trauma to head. Major blood loss. Need medical care and surgery. Life in danger. Need to get to Normandy. Status is critical. "

"THANKS Mordin, tell me something I didn't know! Normandy, come in. We need an evac asap, Garrus is hurt. Tell Chakwas to prepare the medbay"

Garrus felt his vision narrow and he was about to loose consciousness. At least he fought together with her a last time, just like old times. His restless soul would finally be at peace.

"Hang on ,Garrus. We're getting you out of here. Don't you dare die on me, now when I finally found you."

The last sentence she whispered into his undamaged ear. And then everything went black.

* * *

><p>For the last hours she had prayed and wished for him to be ok. She had wandered the ship up and down, been outside the medbay for news more times than she could count. Now when she had finally found him, she was not ready to loose him. And to hell with the Illusive Man and his excuses. Shepard was sure he knew who "Archangel" was from the beginning. This mission had barely begun and she was already tired of his games. She saw in the corner of her eye that Jacob approached her.<p>

"_Commander, we have done what we could for Garrus. But he took a bad hit. The docs corrected with surgical procedures and some cybernetics. Best we can tell, he'll have full functionality, but…"_

Shepard heard the doors open and turned her head in that direction. Her heart made an extra jump in her chest when she saw Him and she smiled.

"Shepard"

"Tough son of a bitch. I didn't think he would be up yet" Jacob said.

"Nobody would give me a mirror. How bad is it?"

"Hell, Garrus. You were always ugly. Slap some face-paint on there, and no one will ever notice"

"Ha-haaa! Don't make me laugh, damn it. My face is barely holding together as it is. Ah, probably for the best. Some women find facial scars attractive. Mind you, most of those women are krogan. "

Jacob seemed to be uncomfortable with their friendly chat so he saluted her and left them alone. Finally, she thought.

"Frankly, I am more worried about you. Cerberus, Shepard? You remember those sick experiments they were doing?"

"That's why I'm glad you're here, Garrus. I'm walking into hell. I want someone I trust at my side. "

"You realize this plan have me walking into hell too? Just like old times. I'm fit for duty whenever you need me, Shepard. I'm settling in and see what I can do to the forward batteries."

She saw him walk away. Everything was the same, and still not. They sure talked as the old friends they were, but there was so much left unsaid. Maybe for the best for now. It had been a long day with three recruited crew-members, and she was exhausted. Both mentally and physically. A steamy shower wouldn't hurt, she thought and went for the elevator.

* * *

><p>Garrus headed for the main batteries. She was real, and he was here with her. He didn't know what to believe. Had Shepard been alive these two years? Sick? Wounded? Some part of him felt betrayed over her actions, another part thought she probably would have a good explanation. But he didn't dare to bother her now with all his questions.<p>

She had looked tired and worried. And lovely. She was all he had remembered her to be, and more. She had some unhealed scars in the face, not that he cared, but he wondered how she'd get them. Maybe she would tell him. If he knew her right, they would have a talk in the near future to clean the air between them. She had always been straightforward with him. But now it was time to sleep. He took some of the painkillers and sleeping pills he got from Dr Chakwas, and not one minute from when his head rested on the pillow he was sleeping.


	6. Hit me!

_Wake me up, I'm about to give it up._

_Hey hurry up, lately it's been hard enough_

_Try to shut me up, when you know you should wish me luck_

_And you could beat me up, I'm heading for the top_

_Hit me hard, hit me right between the eyes_

_I wanna see the stars, hit me hit me!_

**_.:Hit me! – The Sounds:._**

Shepard was awake early, or late, depending on who you asked. Sweat dripped from her face, but it didn't stop her. Her feets worked quickly and the fists hit the punching bag one time after another, and her knuckles began to redden, some even bleeding. She didn't feel it, because her mind was somewhere else. Shepard knew she and Garrus had to talk real soon. Yesterdays happenings didn't give any space for explanations, and after their last conversation it was up to her to call the subject.

A commander took care of problems when they appeared, and talked the talk when needed. She had never avoided it earlier, and wouldn't start now. But this time it was personal, and that made it so much more difficult. What was she supposed to say? _Sorry I died two years ago and now storming into your life, hope we can still be friends?_ Garrus deserved more than that. She only hoped that he wanted to stay by her side when he got to know the truth. Her biggest fear right now was if he turned his back on her and walked away.

Only now she felt the pricking ache in her knuckles for every time she hit the bag, and she started to kick it instead. Exercise had always been a good way for her to canalize her feelings. She had difficulties talk about them, and for long periods she hid it inside herself. Even she realized it wasn't good in the long run, but she was an officer who was responsible for many people and she couldn't show herself weak when they looked up to her. The only time she could fully relax was when she was with Garrus. If he chose to dismiss this mission, she didn't know if she would make it. Shepard needed him to lean on when it got heavy.

He had changed a big deal during the two years when she'd been dead. Garrus was more confident and dominant now. No longer young and insecure, rather the opposite. More equal to her. He would never stand in her shadow again. It didn't bother her at all. She never had a thing for aliens, but yesterday she couldn't help but think he was handsome. His shoulders had become wider and his face was more mature. She had wondered how old he really was.

Shepard was insecure about her feelings now, when she actually had a chance to explore them. He was her subordinate and friend. Was he even seeing her as a female being? Or only a friend? She didn't know anything about his lovelife, even though she knew he was single during their last mission together. For the other alien races it wasn't so strange to couple with each other, but for humans it was a big NO NO_. _

" .SHIT" Shepard cursed out her frustration and fear with three rapid hits.

"Do you need something more living to fight with?" His purring voice surprised her. Garrus was leaning on the wall in front of her, with his armed crossed and his chest bare. Shepard had never seen him so…undressed. For how long had he been there?

"Sure, I do need some challenge" she said with a grin on her face, trying not to stare too much on his chest and thin waist. He didn't look all to weird without clothes.

"Do you have any tape? Don't want to hurt you more than necessary. " Garrus wiggled with his sharp talons.

"Sure, want me to help you? Ten fingers are better than six."

"Really? Let's find out which hurts the most, a fist of three or five fingers. "

"Cocky, aren't we?"

Shepard got the tape, and Garrus met her in the center of the floor. He stretched out a hand and she took it in her own. Her fingers touched the talons, and they sure was sharp enough to kill her instantly if he wanted.

"You have natural close-combat weapons but chose to be a sniper?" She raised an eyebrow at him.

"These doesn't require skills. It's just hack 'n' slash. But to be a sniper you need patience and endurance. I'm fair enough in close-combat. Actually I was one of the best".

His voice was pleasant to listen to, something between rumbling and purring. She taped him up and released his hands.

"So, Garrus…Any rules?

"No biotics. And no dirty tricks. Just pure fight".

"Fine".

They slowly started to dance around each other, get a feeling of what the other was about to do. The two of them had never sparred with each other before, but this was exactly what she needed. Garrus lunged for her and she took a quick step to the side. Damn, he was quick. Since he was taller than her he had an advantage. It would be hard for her to come close enough with getting a punsch or two. So they kept dancing for some minutes.

"Come on, Shepard. This is not a fun fight. Challenge me!"

He tried to tease her, and partially he succeeded. She prepared for an attack, shoved aside a stroke which he parried, then she ducked and swept away one of his legs which resulted in Garrus loosing balance. She took the opportunity to punch him in the face.

"Enough of a challenge for you?" she asked.

Not that he knew how to use his length and reach for his advantage, but she was so fucking flexible. A Turian could never have done what she did and he became more wary.

"We need to talk, Garrus." There it was. She couldn't take it back and she hoped this would end well.

"So, let's talk then."

"I know you have questions, pop them." She kept her guard up to protect her face, like it would help against his questions.

"All this time...were you even dead?" Ouch. Shepard had expected something like this, but it still hurt as hell. She parried one of his blows and barely had the time to dodge his kick.

"Oh, I've been dead alright. Been laying on an operating table for two years while Cerberus stitched me together".

"So that's why you all of a sudden turn up to save my sorry ass, in armor belonging to a human terrorist organization. I never thought you would sink so low as to work with them, Shepard". He sounded disappointed.

"Like I had any choice. The Illusive man gave me an offer I couldn't refuse, and for now their goal is the same as mine; to fight the collectors and reapers. But I don't work for them, rather cooperating," She let down her guard for a few seconds.

"I know it hasn't been easy for you, Garrus." she said, with all the sympathy she could manage in her voice.

"Fuck no, it hasn't". She didn't see his fist coming and couldn't parry it in time. It was a blow which split her lower lip. Oh, shit, shit, shit that hurt. Garrus looked a little worried but didn't stop.

"A part of me died that day, Shepard. I mourned you for two fucking years while I was ruining my life. Two years I will never get back. And now you are here, like it never happened. Dancing to the tunes of Cerberus. "

"Yeah? I understand it have been hard Garrus. But these few days have been hard for me too."

"Really? What are a few days compared to years, Shepard. Explain it to me!" Oh, this was so unfair. She didn't have to take it like this. Shepard felt the rage taking over her body and she snapped. She attacked Garrus with such frenzy and gave him blow after blow in the face, on his chest. He managed to step back and raise his guard.

"I know it had been two years. But I died, Garrus. I DIED! I suffocated, alone in space while watching my ship burn, and thinking of my crew… and you. All of a sudden I am alive again. All my crewmembers and friends are shattered across the galaxy. I have to work with an organisation I hate, because the Alliance and the Counsil turned their back on me. And no one there to watch my back."

"I…I'm sorry Shepard. I guess we both have had a pretty rough time. "

"No shit? I'm sorry too, Garrus, and I think we actually need to talk without the sparring. Call it a draw for today?"

"Yes, I think so"

" I'm sorry about your brow by the way. Think Chakwas need to do something about it." She touched his bleeding brow with her finger, amazed about the blue blood.

"And I think she has to do something about your cracked lip. And I'm not sorry for that"

"You bastard!" Shepard smiled while she drawed a finger along her lip to feel how bad it was. It sure hurt as hell.

"Let's go soldier, towards the medbay!" They waited for the elevator when Shepard felt her lower lip tingling. _Oh no_. She watched her finger and realized she had used the same finger to touch his brow and her lip.

* * *

><p>"Hey, Doc. I think we need something for turian allergy-reaction" Garrus, said., while they were walking into the medbay.<p>

"What have you two done now? You look a bit roughed up."

"Well…" Shepard started. "Garrus, was testing his reach, while I tested my flexibility."

"Uhu? And the reaction?"

"Uh, well. I cracked his brow open and he split my lip. Just a friendly sparring, that's all."

Chakwas examined her lip. " I don't think it will get more worse than this, but I will give you some antihistamines just to be sure. I think you have to go see Mordin, if you are going to sparr some more in the future" she said meaningly with one brow lifted.

"What?" Shepard was confused.

"Most allergic reactions between the alien races is caused by ingestion during sex."

"We were only sparring. I made the mistake to touch his brow and then my lip."

"Uhu? Is that so." Chakwas wasn't convinced.

They left the medbay about ten minutes later when both of them were stitched up

"Hey, Garrus! Are we good, for now?"

"Yeah, we're good, Shepard. Talk to you later. I have some calibrations to do." He walked towards the main batteries. Shepard sighed. They worked out the rougher parts, but they still needed to talk about the rest if this was going to work. 

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I would like to thank Vorcha Girl and guest who have had the time to write me some reviews. Small changes have been made, and I hope the rest of you who are reading this fic is enjoying it. **


	7. I wish I was special

_When you were her before_  
><em>Couldn't look you in the eye<em>  
><em>You're just like an angel<em>  
><em>Your skin makes me cry<em>

_You float like a feather_  
><em>In a beautiful world<em>  
><em>I wish I was special<em>  
><em>You're so fucking special<em>

_But I'm a creep_  
><em>I'm a weirdo<em>  
><em>What the hell am I doing here<em>  
><em>I don't belong here<em>

_I don't care if it hurts_  
><em>I want to have control<em>  
><em>I want a perfect body<em>  
><em>I want a perfect soul<em>

_I want you to notice_  
><em>When I'm not around<em>  
><em>You're so fucking special<em>  
><em>I wish I was special<em>

**.: Creep – Radiohead:.**

* * *

><p>Shepard took the opportunity to eat breakfast while she was on this deck. She saw Garrus walk to the main batteries. He had in no way been mean, but he had rejected her in a smart way to say say that he needed some time for himself. She could buy that, but the worry inside her couldn't disappear before they had put all the cards on the table. She could see his back where he stood at the control table, his hands moving cross the keyboard.<p>

Even if she had feelings that were something more than just _Best Friends_, she wouldn't let them get in the way. She didn't even know what to do with them. He was a turian, she a human. Her thoughts about them hadn't went in any particular direction, except that he had become more important to her and that she cared a lot for him. Until Dr Chakwas stirred the pot with her information and disbeliefs about them only sparring.

Shepard had never been attracted to any of the other alien races and didn't even know if turians and humans were compatible in that way. Her mishap with the lip proved it wasn't easy, and another thing on her to-do-list to check: talk with Mordin and see if he could solve the problem with allergic reactions between the races. If any of her crewmates got hurt in the field she didn't want to be hindered by fear of getting an anaphylactic chock.

Shepard threw an eye in Garrus direction. He was actually pretty handsome for being a turian. Not that she had a lot to compare with. She definitely wasn't a krogan female, but his scars were kind of hot. She tore her eyes from him and decided to get some things done, and ate the washy porridge. Note for self: buy better rations next time they were ath the Citadel.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Garrus stood at the battery-controls and tried to get started with the calibrations, but it was hard when he knew she sat behind him and ate her breakfast. He had passed the limit, and had wounded her both physically and emotionally. It wasn't Shepards fault that all the feelings from the past two years came to the surface. Feelings she didn't know existed. He had been so unfair to her, and didn't know how he would make it better between them. That's why he had tried to buy himself some time, to find a good way to make amends. Calibrations: something that sounded very important, took a lot of time and no one knew exactly what it was.

He knew Shepard glanced his way now and then, he saw her in the reflections on the screen. She would give him time, he knew, and didn't close the door. It would have been to harsh. He felt bad for her broken lip, but he hadn't been ready for her to lower her guard while she talked to him. And to make it all so much better she got an allergy-reaction from his blood on her lips. The reactions was not good at all, but the thought about his blood on her lips made him warm in certain places.

In his fantasies from Omega it had never been a problem them being from different species. But now he was so fucking ashamed. He had used a young prostitute in his attempts to re-live memories that never had existed. Ritikka had fell in love wit him, and he used it to his egoistic advantage. Her suicide was a wake-up call, and he was left with the guilt.

How could he ever tell Shepard about these dark memories? That he was a creep without inhibitions, who was in love with an illusion? It was just as well if he tried to turn of his feelings for her, becasue he was frightened to be rejected, and relive the pain of loosing her again. And what would she want with him? He knew the humans rarely fraternized with the other races, they mostly kept to themselves. What did she see when she looked at him? Something weird, animalistic being with plates and talons? He was so different compared to her soft, beautiful apperance. He wished so hard for her to see him with the same eyes as as he saw her.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"Hi Mordin. Am I interrupting?"

"No Shepard, Just running some tests. Can wait. What can I do for you?"

"Well, me and Garrus was sparring earlier today…"

"Ah, yes. Talked to Dr Chakwas. Heard about your allergy-reaction. Already working on antigene-shots for you. "

"Oh, ok. Is it possible to make antigene-shots for others too? I mean turians, asarians and you for example? This blood-contact is complicating things, and I don't want to be afraid of anaphylactic shock if I help a squad-mate on the field. "

"Understand your concern, Shepard. I will most definitely work something out. Speak with you when it's done. Will start immediately."

"Thanks Mordin. I appreciate your help."

Shepard left Mordin with his calculations and labtests and went for the armory instead, where she new Jacob would be. She didn't trust neither him nor Miranda, but Jacob was a bit nicer and she needed to improve their connections to know if she could trust them in combat. He stood at a lighted working bench and seemed to mod his weapon.

"Hi, Jacob. I hope I'm not disturbing?"

"Oh, Hi Commander. No, I'm just experimenting with some mods. Can I help you with something?

"Naaah, just wanted to talk a little. Getting to know my crew better."

"I know you don't trust Cerberus, or me and Miranda. At first I had difficulties with Cerberus too, regarding their history. But they are trying to do something about the Reaper threat, which you can't say about the Alliance or The Council. Both me and Miranda will do everything we can to make this mission a success. "

"Sounds good, but it will take more of you than just words to make me trust you. "

" I understand that, Commander. Actions speaks more than words. Will there be any missions soon?"

"It might be. I need to take a few hours reading through the assignments we've got and make plans. If you're lucky you might go with me."

"I would like that, Commander. "

"See you later, Taylor. "

She could feel his gaze on her when she left. Shepard hoped he was as good in combat as he was at staring at her body. When she came out to the CIC and headed for the elevator Yeoman Chambers halted her.

"Hey, Commander. You've got mail."

"Ok, thanks. I will read them in my cabin. " Shepard tried to make a move towards the elevator.

"I heard you and Garrus was sparring this morning. Apparentely it went hot, since both of you ended up in the medbay.

"Nothing serious, Yeoman. Just a friendly fight."

"Mhm? Did you know Turians spar when they need to blow off steam. Either that or…"

"Or what?"

"You know…sex." Chambers wiggled her eyebrowa.

"Chambers, do you know what? You know a lot about non-human cultures, being a Cerberus employee."

"Nothing wrong with that. I stand for the "human-first-ideology", but that doesn't hinder me from learning about the cultures of the other races. I am a psychologist, after all. And Garrus is a fine specimen for his race. I wouldn't have any problem helping him blow off some steam… "

"You are unprofessional, Chambers. Your job is to take care of the mental health of the crew, not sleeping with them. "

"You should read more about turians, Commander. It is in their nature to spar or have sex as a stress-releaser before combat. For them it is natural. Nothing to be upset about. But I will leave Garrus be…for now. "

Shepard took furious steps towards the elevator and pressed the button for her cabin. Who the hell did Chambers think she was? She was employed to be some kind of secretary and look after the crew. Not to sleep with them. Shepard realised she was jealous with Chambers. An unworhy feeling, especially since she and Garrus was just friends, barely. She didn't think Garrus would be interested in Chambers, but she was jealous at Chambers knowledge. Shepard didn't know much about Turians, except what she knew about Garrus. But that was individual, not cultural. Maybe she had to look things up at the extranet. After she'd checked her mails and went through the missions. Job first, pleasure later.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"Miranda, I don't give a damn if you believe he would have been an asset to us. He was a wreck and couldn't have helped us right now. Tali ensured me that when he is better we will get all the information we need."

"Shepard, you have to loosen up your consciense sometimes. It doesn't always work to feel sorry about people, and neglect what's important. "

"Shut up, Miranda. Just because you're a coldhearted bitch it doesn't mean I have to dance to your tunes. I'm the Commander and decide how we roll this thing, not you. "

"Yeah, sure. " Miranda started to ignore her, and Shepard had to step out of Mirandas office like she was her subordinate. _Bitch._

At lunchtime she had decided to go to Freedom's Progress since they were only two hours from there and she needed to leave the ship. The ground team consisted of her, Garrus and Taylor. She'd met Tali there, looking for a Quarian named Veetor. After some fighting with mechs they had found him, but his mental status was too bad for her to get any useful information. She had tried to persuade Tali to come with her, but she understood Tali had moved on and now ran errands for her own people. Understandable. She felt neglected nevertheless, but atleast Tali hadn't been angry with her. Only happy, after the shock had subsided.

Well within her cabin she undressed her armor and let it lay on the floor. She so needed a hot shower now and didn't care about the cleaning up. She had time for it tomorrow. If a certain turian knew she was about to neglect her armor he would reprouch her with his stare. She smiled for herself and headed for the shower.

Two hours later she was still awake in her bed. The situation with Garrus made her restless. Even if the mission today went pretty well, and everything had felt like old times, they still needed to talk. She was wondering if he was still awake. Maybe a message to his omnitool was best, if he actually was sleeping.

**.:Still awake?:.**

After one minute he answered.

**.:Yeah:.**

**.:Can I come down?:.**

One minute went, two minutes. Shit, this was a bad idea. What would he think? Surely he was thinking up how to say no without being an ass. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

**.:Sure. Need something to drink?:.**

Oh. He actually wanted her to come down, but he seemed reluctant.

**.:Hot chocolate?:.**

**.:On it:.**

She smiled. Maybe they would work this out after all. She jumped out of bed and put on her shorts, a tank top and a neutral marine blue sweater and headed for the elevator.


	8. How I feel

_I don't quite know_  
><em>How to say<em>  
><em>How I feel<em>

_Those three words_  
><em>Are said too much<em>  
><em>They're not enough<em>

_I need your grace_  
><em>To remind me<em>  
><em>To find my own<em>

_All that I am_  
><em>All that I ever was<em>  
><em>Is here in your perfect eyes<em>  
><em>They're all I can see<em>

_I don't know where_  
><em>Confused about how as well<em>  
><em>Just know that these things<em>  
><em>Will never change for us at all<em>

_If I lay here_  
><em>If I just lay here<em>  
><em>Would you lie with me<em>  
><em>And just forget the world?<em>

**_.:Chasing Cars – Snow Patrol:._**

Ok, hot chocolate was simple enough to make. Garrus went out to the empty mess hall. Most part of the crew was sleeping or was at their posts. He pushed the button for levo-chocolate and waited for the cup to be full. Mess Sergeant Gardner had a secret stash with good stuff, for special occasions. Garrus looked around before he opened a drawer where it wasn't supposed to be one. Something small and square slid into his pocket while he carried the cups back to the Main Battery.

When he received the first message on his omnitool he became nervous, and when she wanted to visti he didn't know what to say at first. In their earlier days it wouldn't worry him for them to be alone together, but it was a different thing now. He was afraid of what the crew would believe if she came down to him this late in the evening. Not that it would happen anything between them, but gossip spread fast. Well, they were adults, and they really needed to talk.

He missed their old conversations when he had tinkered with the Mako and Shepard had handed him the tools while talking about pirates, mercs and how idiotic the Council acted. Hopefully they could return to the same routines, maybe more even? Garrus didn't hope for too much, but as long as she still wanted to be friends he would be happy.

It would be hard for him to talk about the past two years, but Shepard deserved to know why he had snapped at her earlier this morning.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Shepard pattered silently into the mess hall and saw the door to the Main battery was open. She couldn't see Garrus but started to walk towards the door.

"Garrus?"

"Yeah, I'm in here Shepard." She went past the control panel and further in. The lamps spread a warm, red glow from above. It sent a feeling of comfort and cozyness. At the back she found him, only dressed in his black pants, sitting on a wooden box. His bare carapace chest was really nice to look upon, and he was pretty muscular for being a turian. She wondered what it would feel like to lay her hand on his chest.

"See anything you like?" Garrus chuckled. She realised she had been staring.

"You know you look good, Vakarian. I'm taking a look while I still can. I'm sorry if I woke you up."

"You didn't. Calibrations, you know. Still have problems with your sleep?"

"Yeah, I couldn't come to rest and didn't know what to to. Some things never change I guess. That's why I wondered if I could come down, you know…like old times."

"You're always welcome, Shepard. You know that."

"Do I? It feels like everything is as before, but still not. I'm not sure where we stand anymore. "

"I know what you mean. I'm sorry for this morning. I crossed the line, and I didn't mean to. It's just that…"

"…it have been rough. I understand."

"Yeah."

"So…hot chocolate?" Shepard glanced at the steaming cups.

"Shit, I had totally forgot about them. Here, this one is yours."

"Thanks, Garrus." She sipped from her cup, perfectly hot.

"Eh, I brought something else as well. Here, I think you will appreciate it."

Shepard looked puzzled at the wrapped package he gave her.

"Open it." he said.

She carefully unwrapped it and widened her eyes.

"How did you get your talons on this? Doesn't it come from Gardner's secret stash?"

"Ah, so you know about it too?" He winked at her.

"Haha, you really are a turian bad-boy, Garrus. " Shepard took a bite from the dark chocolate bar and moaned silently when the chocolate melted on her tongue. It was a moan that surprised Garrus. Was chocolate really that good? He was happy he managed to make her moan, even if he preferred other ways of doing it. He looked away in an attempt to calm his nerves.

"So, if we're going to talk the talk I will not sit here on a hard box. Let's not make it more awkward than it is: a cleansing talk between friends. Ok? I take the liberty to use your hammock, because I haven't had the pleasure to enjoy one of those in years. Head to toes?" Shepard was nervous about her suggestion, but hoped Garrus would follow her lead.

"Yeah, sure. Just like old times, except now we don't have a Mako who'd been run down by you. "

"What do you mean, run down? I couldn't help that our beloved Mako wasn't equipped for rougher terrains. My driving skills are perfect, thank you very much!" She climbed into the hammock.

"Yeah yeah, keep live in denial." Garrus made himself comfortable in the other end.

"So…how did you end up on Omega?"

Garrus squirmed a little.

"Hey, I won't judge you. I'm listening, as a best friend is supposed to do." Shepard gave him a reassuring smile.

"Well, the night when you died I got a call from Liara, who told me what had happened. I couldn't really believe you were gone. I snapped. "

"And that's when you ripped asunder your apartment?"

"You knew about that?" Garrus flicked his mandibles in shame. "I didn't know what got into me. My memories from that night is vague."

Had he cared more about her than she knew? Shepard wanted to believe that.

"One of the first things I did when I got access to the new Normandy was to check up on you guys. I found information about everyones beings and doings for the last years, but your tracks ended with your apartment. I was worried, and didn't even know if you were alive. "

"Oh." Had she been looking for him? And he had believed she didn't care at all.

"So…what happened next?"

"Well, I took the first ride I could get to Omega. C-sec wasn't enough anymore, where justice was hindered by bureaucracy. In my simplicity I thought I could dispense justice on my own on Omega. But on Omega there is no justice, only revenge and hate. " Garrus silenced for a moment and seemed to be stuck in his thoughts. Shepard put a hand on his leg, as if to say _I'ts ok, I'm here_. He looked at her, and then turned aside with his gaze.

"A big part of me died on Omega, Shepard. I couldn't stop, even if I had wanted to. Big people had started to notice me and I had to watch my back. I tried to drench my sorrows in booze, which led to an addiction. I did very bad things, which I'm not proud of, but it happened anyway. One certain incident was a wake-up call, and that's when I tried to piece myself together again." He just couldn't tell her about Ritikka, it was too dark to tell.

Shepard felt so sorry for him, and felt inadequate for the moment. All she wanted to do was to hug him and tell him that it was all good now. Instead she stroke her thumb back and forward over the fabric, and was rewarded with a sad smile from Garrus.

"I tried to find like-minded souls for my team. We helped each other to plan and put through bigger raids against slave-dealers, pimps and black traders. As long as we kept ourselves on our edge Aria didn't care too much about us, you could say we did her a favor holding the different merc gangs in check. Even if I wasn't happy I had atleast found a new way of living, At the end we were ten men, and we had planned our last operation for weeks. But one of us betrayed the whole team, and we were surprised by Blue Suns. My people died under my command, and I didn't see it coming. I had a gut feeling, which I didn't listen to and when I realised something was wrong it was to late. All to late, and it was my fault. I'm the one to blame…"

Shepard heard the sadness and the panic in his voice, and low subharmonics resonated in his chest.

"I should have been with you Shepard, I should have had your six, then maybe we wouldn't have been here like this. I'm so damn sorry, Shepard!"

Garrus put his face in his hands, and a heartbreaking sound slipped from his lips. It sounded as if he was sobbing. Did he cry? Shepard felt the panic rising and didn't know what to do.

"EDI, close the door, please. No one can enter until I say so." No one should see him break down like this.

"Yes, Commander. "

Shepard crawled awkwardly, while trying to keep her balance, to Garrus and straddled him. She caressed his hands and talked to him.

"Shh, sshh. It wasn't your fault. No one could have seen this coming."

"But I…"

"But you nothing. You did what you could with what you had, not even I could have done anything else. " She moved his hands and took his face into her own, and caressed his mandibles carefully. She looked deeply into his beautiful blue eyes.

"It will be alright, Garrus. I'm here for you, always." Shepard lay down and rest herself on his upper body, with her face tuck in between his shoulder and throat. Garrus relaxed and let go of all the guilt and sorrow that had been built up inside him for these years. He lay his arms around her back and hugged her tightly in a desperate grip. _Spirits_, _I love him_, she thought.

They lay like that for a long time, embracing each other. After some time Garrus started to caress her lower back slowly. He placed one leg to the wall and made the hammock rock slowly back and forth. It was soothing for both of them. He felt the fragrance of her hair, it smelled good but he couldn't place the scent.

"The night you died, I woke up and heard you whisper my name."

"I did. When I was about to die I thought about all of you. On Kaidan, Liara and all the others. But your face was the last thing I saw. Your name was on the lips with my dying breath." A spike of emotions rushed through Garrus. Was there a chance she felt the same for him?

"Shepard" he mumbled into her hair. " Where do we stand? I know we were best friends once…"

"I think we both have crossed that line today, haven't we?" She lifted her head and looked him in the eyes.

"Yes…". He put a hand behind her head and rested his forehead to hers. She had never felt so intimate with anyone before. Eventually he broke the contact and looked her in the eyes.

"Shepard, I'm not good at this, but I will really try to work this out, I mean…if you want to. " She could hear the insecurity in his voice.

"I want to, Garrus. Let's take it slow."

"Slow sounds good."

Shepard made herself comfortable against his chest again, enjoying the heat radiating from his body. Garrus continued to rock the hammock.

"Can I stay?"

"I don't want you to leave." Shepard changed her position so she laid at his side instead of on him, with one leg crossing his waist, and an arm resting on his chest. He laid an arm around her waist and took her odd five-fingered hand in his.

With a drowsy voice she said "Never leave me, Vakarian. Promise me. "

"I promise, Shepard. I will always have your six. " He felt her relax in his arms, and within minutes he could hear on her breaths that she was sleeping. He was happy, and for the first time in two years he felt whole.


	9. Bad things

**A/N: I am so sorry you had to wait for this chapter. I've read some other ME fics this week and my ego got wounded badly, when I saw these amazing stories by these wonderful writers. After a few days I decided I would try not to care that I might not be as skilled with word, because there are some of you who actually like this story. Enjoy, and feel free to leave a note. Reviews is a kind of drug to a writer, I'****ve discovered :P**

* * *

><p><p>

I'm_ the kind to sit up in his room_  
><em>Heart sick and eyes filled up with blue<em>  
><em>I don't know what you've done to me<em>  
><em>But I know this much is true<em>  
><em>I wanna do bad things with you<em>

_When you came in the air went out_  
><em>And all those shadows there filled up with doubt<em>  
><em>I don't know who you think you are<em>  
><em>But before the night is through<em>  
><em>I wanna do bad things with you<em>  
><em>I wanna do real bad things with you<em>

**_.: Bad Things – Jace Everett:.  
><em>**

* * *

><p>Shepard felt his arms embrace her, and the heat that radiated from his body. She could hear a low purring sound from him. He was probably still asleep. Despite their uncomfortable position she couldn't remember the last time she had slept this good, her death slumber unaccounted for. She snuggled herself against his neck and could smell weapon-oil, a hint of gunpowder and a fragrance of Him. A featureless fragrance she couldn't place, but which smelled fantastic. She could be here all day, being busy, listening to his purring. But she was first hand Commander, and secondly Kayla Shepard, which meant a day with dossier-reading, preparations and debriefing.<p>

Shepard tenderly laid a hand on his unscarred mandible and whispered in his ear.

"Hey, Sleepyhead. Time to wake up." Garrus stirred a little, and pulled her closer. He grunted a little and opened one eye to watch her.

"What happens if I refuse orders? Keeping you here for the rest of the day, just you and me?"

"I really wish I could stay, but I have a Galaxy to save. EDI, what time is it?"

"It's one hour before change of shifts, Commander. I suggest you go to your cabin, if you want to keep your meeting with Mr Vakarian a secret. " EDI's voice was filled with smugness. Atleast she wouldn't gossip about this.

"Thank you, EDI. I'm sorry Garrus, but I think it's for the best if I move my ass to my own lair. "

"Yeah, maybe it is." Garrus loosened his grip on Shepard and balanced himself so she could climb out of the hammock. Shepard jumped down to the floor and stretched.

"Going back to Sleep, Vakarian?"

"Nah, I have to finish yesterday's calibrations. "

"One day you have to explain to me what that means. See you later, Garrus!" She smiled at him and turned away.

"Yeah." Garrus watched her leave the battery with springy steps, while he remained in the hammock. Her shorts were short, and didn't hide much of her tall, muscular legs. She had a small, but round butt. So unlike a female turian. Under her tanktop he could see her muscles on the back play under her skin, while she walked away. Her shoulders betrayed her habit wearing weapons in a fighting stance. Shepard was well-built,and she had worked hard for that body before she died, he knew. With blood, sweat and tears.

She might be soft under his taloned fingers, but she definitely could handle rougher situations. Which made Garrus thoughts to wander towards nightly activites. They had agreed to take it slow, but it didn't hinder him from thinking _what if._ He had never been attracted to humans, and not even now. But he was attracted to Shepard. Her red, silky hair had from the very beginning amazed him. So different from his own fringe.

Garrus heaved himself from the hammock and stretched too. None of them had slept comfortable, but she had atleast slept heavy. That was the most important. He knew Shepard often had difficulties sleeping for more than a couple of hours at a time, and maybe more now than before. Maybe he should send her a message and tell her that she always had a place in his hammock, or would that be to rash?

He was about to stumble over something on the floor, and picked up her sweatshirt. He held it against his face, it smelled of her. Garrus smiled to himself and laid it in the hammock. His omnitool pinged, and he already knew who had sent the message.

**.:Thanks for tonight. I'm not good at this but…you make me relax, and I feel safe in your company. Rendevouz in the mess hall tonight? K.:.** Garrus, felt warmer inside. _She feels safe with him._ This was really a good start for them. And K? He had never heard anyone say her surname, and she had used it's first letter in a message to him. It felt very intimate.

**.:I'm not good at this either, so that makes two of us. It felt good to have you close. You always have a spot in my hammock, whenever you need. Dinner with dry dextro/levo-rations?:.**

**.:It's a date:.**

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Shepard smiled to herself while she sat on her bed, still dressed in her shorts and top. She had a nice feeling in her gut. Earlier in her career feelings had had no place in her life. The carreer started early, and as a woman in The Alliance you were more exposed, even if they outwardly worked with values and equality. Sex had always been casual and short-termed, and it was a really long time ago she had something that could be called a relationship. They Alliance had strict rules about fraternization. As an officer she had seen between her fingers, as long as it didn't affect the missions. But she had always kept herself on her own edge. Several officers had tried and failed to get into her bed. Shepard had worked hard to be where she was today, and to reach this point via bedwrestling was not how she wanted to be remembered.

That she now confessed she had feelings for Garrus was unaccustomed, and a little frightening. But her death had made her reevaluate some things in her life. She had experience with human men, and being in love with a turian made her feel like a teenage virgin again. Clumsy, unknowing and with a lot of weird feelings in her head and body. She had no idea what she had embarked on, but she wouldn't back off now. The old classic trick to "forget" something at the place where the one you cared about were gave her a reason to go down to Garrus again tonight. The butterflies in her stomach were huge and wild.

With wet hair in a towel-turban she sat down at her computer and read through the dossiers. She wanted to wait with The Convict. Hm. Maybe the Warlord? And then The master thief? They needed to go to the Citadel anyway, to restock.

"EDI. Connect me to the speaker."

"You're on, Commander."

"Crew. This is Commander Shepard. Notice, there will be a debriefing at 1000. Out. "

Shepard took a turn past Joker to give him the new coordinates.

"Mr. Moreau. I can't allow you to do that. It is against protocol. "

"Come on, EDI. Stop being my mom. I know what I'm doing. I have not become the best pilot there is by doing everything by protocol." Joker was annoyed, and Shepard couldn't resist to smile a little.

"How is it going with your cooperation, Joker?"

"Hey, Shepard! EDI is spying on me and doesn't allow me to do my job. "

"Awh, it isn't that bad, is it? EDI is just thinking about what's best for the ship. I'm sure. "

"That's correct, Commander. And right now Mr. Moreau is disturbing my overview of the ship's functionality by trespassing the protocols."

"Joker, please. Stop disturbing EDI while she's working." She couldn't resist teasing him a little.

"But I…"

"And EDI, you can ease up a little on the protocols. Jeff knows what he's doing."

"Acknowledged, Commander. I will change my regulations…slightly."

"Thanks, Commander. I feel crippled when half of my commands is contracommanded by our beloved AI. "

"Anytime, Joker. And please…try to cooperate. Ok?"

"Yeah, Yeah." He waved his hand and typed in the new coordinates she had given him.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Shepard was in the debriefing-room and waited for everyone to show up. Miranda and Jacob were the first ones to enter and had taken seats in the middle, followed by Mordin. Garrus came next, and she nodded at him when he looked at her. He nodded back, and she could see his mandibles flutter oh so carefully. She smiled slightly. The scarred veteran came in last, and chose to stand leaning against the wall.

"So…I have done some planning for the week to come. Right now we are on our way to Korlus to pick up our Warlord. Ground team will be me, Vakarian and Taylor. ETA is four hours. When we are done we're heading to The Citadel for some restocking and bring our evasive friend along. Mordin and Miranda will come with me on that one. If there's sparetime we will have a 24 hour shore leave. Take the opportunity to buy the things you think you will need for a couple of weeks ahead. Then we are leaving for the notorious prison ship Purgatory to pick up The Convict. I want Garrus and Zaaed with me. Any questions?" Shepard looked over her crew.

"No Commander, But anti-gene shots are ready to be administrated."

"Thanks, Mordin! Mordin have been working with developing antigene-shots for all crewmembers, no matter the race. This means the risks for allergic reactions are close to zero. When you have time, please go to Mordin to get your specific shot. "

She saw surprised, but positive glances in all of them….except Miranda, who frowned.

"Prepare for you missions. XO Miranda will make sure you have access to your dossier within an hour. If you have any late questions, contact me. Dismissed." Most of them rose and left the room. She gave Garrus a glance before he went down to the battery.

"Commander, can I speak with you?" Miranda's cold voice cut the air.

"Of course, Miranda. What do you want?" Shepard tried to hold a professional mask while listening to her XO.

"Anti-gene shots, Commander? Is this really a necessary cost? No one has earlier managed to develop this, so it could not have been cheap."

"Yes, it was necessary. Since Cerberus so kindly have chosen the most fitting individuals for this suicide mission, and attracted them with a lot of money I see it particularly suitable to develop anti-gene shots. We will be a lot of different races who cooperates, and I will NOT let anyone die because of something so simple as different proteines hinder you from life-rescuing actions. And that would be as throwing money on the fire, right?"

"You have a point, Commander. But I would prefer if you talked to me first about the expenses. I don't like surprises."

"Understood, XO. Since you want control over the economy of this mission you can make a shopping list for The Citadel. Try to find better rations, especially for our non-human crew-members. Is there anything else?

"No, Commander. "

"Dismissed." Damn, it felt good to say that. Miranda turned on her heel and left the room. Shepard was satisfied they had managed to keep it at a professional level. There was a chance they might get along.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"Want me to check your armor clasps, Commander?" Garrus looked down on the dark human male, and didn't like the way Jacob looked at Kayla, from top to bottom, while she doublechecked the safety catch on her weapon.

"No need, Taylor. Garrus has already checked them. "

"He might have missed something. Doublechecks are always good."

"Hey, I have entrusted him with my armor check for over a year, he doesn't do mistakes. Understood?" She knew he was interested in her as a woman, and pretty soon she would need to speak up to him if he continued this way. She hoped he wasn't a new Kaidan who didn't take a hint.

"Rodger that, Commander. " Garrus was irritated, but he tried not to show it. He was just happy that Kayla had pushed Jacob down. Jacob might be a problem some day.

"Ok then. I want you at my six, Garrus. And Jacob, you will be at my right flank. Are you ready to have some fun?"

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Shepard looked at the creature in the tank. It had been a back-breaking afternoon, and she was tired. No matter how curious she was for the tankbred Krogan it had to wait for another day. She still had her armor on and needed to shower before dinner. Shepard left the room and went for her cabin. Also this time she left her armor in a pile, a nasty habit taking form.

She stepped into the shower and washed away all the sand and dirt from her face and hair. While she lathered her body in soap she thought about Garrus, and her body was tingling. They would have many chances to talk with each other, but for her it wouldn't be enough. How was she to show him how much she cared, without using words? Did turians kiss? Did they hold hands? Where are the erogenous zones? She didn't want to ask him about this, but find the information on her own. Maybe surprise him a little? Shepard finished her shower and made the usual towel-turban, and used another towel for her body before she knotted it above her bossom. She went for the computer and started to search on the extranet.

_Oh, that son of a bitch,_ she thought. Forehead to forehead was obviously a turian endearment. A Turian Kiss. He had kissed her last evening! Oh, he would get back! Turians also used some kind of subharmonics, which could be difficult for humans to hear. Narrow, but strong waists was an ideal of beauty. Male turians had their package within the pelvis-plates and when they got aroused the plates shifted. Out of curiosity she had to click for some pictures, and she had reddened up to her hairline, but got a little excited too. So different. So tempting. She couldn't resist trying to imagine Garrus naked before her. Take it slow? Yeah right…

Shepard twitched when she got a message.

**.:Dinner is served. Where is my date?:.**

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Shepard had dressed down to Cerberus sweatpants and a black tanktop, and walked into the mess. Most of the ones who weren't on duty was eating, but Garrus had saved a spot for her. Zaeed sat opposite to Garrus and ate some brown goo. Probably freeze-dried beef with pulverized potatoes.

"Hey, which culinary delights are served today?"

Zaaed looked at his empty packaging. "Luxuary bisonbeef with three varietes of potatoes. Still tastes like shit."

"And that's why you are into your second portion?" Garrus said and pointed at the other empty packaging.

"Yeah, I don't want to end up a skeleton, like you, Turian." Zaaed had a twisted grin on his face.

"Shepard, the best I could find for you is Pasta Carbonara". Garrus shot a bowl towards her with something creme-colored goo, and with some extremely good fantasy could look like a dish of pasta. There would certainly be some changes after their restocking at The Citadel.

"Thanks, Garrus. So…Zaeed, you should have been with us today. Some Blue Suns got to taste some bullets. "

"Well, I guess I will get a chance when we're picking up our Convict, since it is guarded by Blues. "

"Don't be so sure. It is in, get our package, out. Cerberus have paid a huge amount of credits for access to whomever we are picking up. "

"If I know The Blues right, it wont be that simple. "

"We'll se. "

"Yeah. Well, time to go read the dossier. Not my strongest ability, so I have something to do for the next couple of evenings. See you later, Commander."

Zaeed rose and went for his bunk. Shepard put a spoon at her mouth and blew carefully at the hot food. Garrus watched her, amazed.

"What?"

"No, nothing. I'm just fascinated by you humans' malleable mouths."

"If you knew what we can do with them" slipped out of her before she could think about what she had said.

"Really?" Garrus leaned over the table and said to her hears only " I believe you have to show me what your mouth can do."

Shepard dropped her mouth open and couldn't think of anything smart to say. Her cheeks reddened and she looked down on her bowl. What did he know?

"Hah, sorry Shepard. Didn't think you would actually become embarrassed." Garrus chuckled.

"Says he who kissed me last night without asking" she hissed back at him.

"Shit. Eh. Sorry…? How did you know?" Garrus mandibles fluttered.

"Amazing how much information you can find on the extranet."

"Yeah, right. Well. I have to take a shower. Unlike you I actually take care of my armor first, before anything. Are you waiting or do you come down later?"

"That depends on how long you take."

"Not all too long". Garrus rose and brought Zaeeds "_forgotten_ "packagings with him, and winked at Shepard while he passed her. She smiled crookedly at him. When he had gone, she could see Miranda staring at her. What now?

"Commander, can you come with me to my office, please?" Shepard went in and stood at Mirandas desk.

"What do you want, Miranda, that you can't say to me in the mess?"

"Is there something between you and the turian?"

"The Turian is called Garrus, and that's none of your business. "

"It's my business alright. You are a human, Shepard. Maybe the most known at the moment and you are defining what a human are to the rest of the Galaxy. It doesn't look good if you were known to fraternize with someone in your crew. Especially an alien. "

"Bullshit, Miranda. Keep your xenophobia to yourself. This is not an Allaince ship, and as long as it doesn't affect our misssion you can't say anything. And don't tell me it is rules of Cerberus, because I know you and Jacob has a cozy history of your own. And by the looks of it, it might repeate itself."

"How did you know?" Miranda was bothered by Shepard's disclosure.

"It ain't that hard to get your hand on information. And that is something that Jacob gladly is sharing, if you care enough to listen. What me and Garrus are, or not are, is none of your business and if you do mind, then shut the fuck up and keep it to yourself. I will not mind your private life."

Shepard stormed out of Mirandas office and headed for the main battery. It was empty so she guessed Garrus wasn't done with the shower yet. She looked at the screen for a while and tried to understand all the rubbish on it. Garrus had changed the script to turian. In the right upper corner she saw human script and was about to reach for it when she felt hot breaths close to her ear, and she got goosebumps all over her body. How did he manage to sneak up on her? She couldn't breath. His rasping whisper echoed through her inner core.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you."


	10. Heartbeats

**A/N: Thank you to Vorcha Girl, Wonderfantasy and Glea for your encouraging reviews!**

_One night to be confused_  
><em>One night to speed up truth<em>  
><em>We had a promise made<em>  
><em>Four hands and then away<em>

_Both under influence_  
><em>We had divine scent<em>  
><em>To know what to say<em>  
><em>Mind is a razor blade<em>

_To call for hands of above_  
><em>To lean on<em>  
><em>Wouldn't be good enough<em>  
><em>For me, no.<em>

_One night of magic rush_  
><em>The start, a simple touch<em>  
><em>One night to push and scream<em>  
><em>And then relief<em>

_Ten days of perfect tunes_  
><em>The colors, red and blue<em>  
><em>We had a promise made<em>  
><em>We were in love<em>

**_.: Heartbeats – José Gonzales:._**

* * *

><p>Garrus could see, through his visor, her heart rate increase, but he could also hear her accelerating heartbeats drum through her veins. He wondered how her fragile skin behind her ear would feel under his rough tongue, and could barely resist the urge to do it. Her neck was so inviting, almost too inviting and the thought scared him.<p>

He leaned his hands on the control table and thereby didn't give her any way out. Shepard could feel the heat from his body, and his breaths gave her pleasant shivers which spread through her body. If he only knew how much he affected her. She could feel her cheeks redden, and she wanted to touch his hands which laid only inches from hers, but she was afraid of the reaction it might cause. She didn't knew if she was ready for it.

"Calibrations is a craft which a few people can handle." Garrus said, and he heard her breath out. Shepard didn't know she had kept her breath for so long. She cleared her throat before she got out " So, what is it about? Someone promised me earlier to explain it to me."

"It's about making the good even better, to utilize the capacity to its maximum."

"Shouldn't it already be as good as it can be when it gets installed?" she asked.

"It depends on who you ask. To put it simple: you use mods on your weapons to increase the range or get bigger impact." Shepard nodded as an answer while she looked at the screen. He could feel the fragrance from her soft hair tickle his nose, probably some earthly scent, but it wasn't unpleasant. Garrus pressed on the screen and 3D-photos of the canons of Normandy showed up.

"It works almost the same, but I use algorithms as a mod to improve the results. I can change the canons liberty of actions to improve the range, but then it is harder to shoot to the sides for example. "

"Aha, I think I understand. It's about considering what is most important. Reach or flexibility." Garrus was surprised about her quick thinking, but wasn't really astonished. He hummed approvingly and he heard her gasp for breath. Did his rougher subharmonics affect her that much? Maybe he should try it more often. He leaned closer to her and purred while he said "Spot on, Shepard". She breathed out in a low moan and Garrus could see in his corner of the eye how she bent her fingertips against the table. He smiled inwardly.

Shepard couldn't concentrate anymore, and she felt she got turned on only by his closeness. She didn't dare to move and didn't know what to say. To take it slow was not in her mind right now. She carefully laid some fingers over his.

"Garrus…" she started but got interrupted.

"Hey, Garrus! Have you seen Shepard?" Jacobs voice sobered her up and she felt rather than saw that Garrus changed his posture. She had totally forgotten about the open door. Garrus carefully withdrew his hand, and turned to Jacob.

"Yes, she is here in front of me. We are talking about calibrations and I show her how I improve my ladies. Want a lecture?" Garrus had rapidly recovered, of which Shepard was grateful because she had the time to take some deep breaths to calm her nerves before she turned around.

"Naah, not really my thing to fiddle with numbers. I prefer real tools to make things done. I don't want to disturb, but do you have a minute Commander?" She rather would have said no and kick him out of the battery but as a Commander she had obligations to her crew. She wanted to maintain a good atmosphere on the ship.

"Sure, Jacob. I will be out in a minute. Ok?"

"Yeah, sure. Coffee or tea?"

"Black tea, please."

Shepard watched him turn, and she looked up at Garrus. Their moment had passed and she could se insecurity in his eyes.

"Shepard, I…sorry if got too intrusive, but you were so irresistable when you stood there." His mandibles fluttered in embarrassment while he looked at her.

"Hey, don't be!" She took his hand in her and caressed the back of his leathery hand with her soft thumb. "You make me crazy when you talk to me like that. How unwillingly I want to leave your company I have to go see what Jacob wants. Maybe it's time to have the talk with him to get it over with. Do you have time later?"

"I always have time for you, Shepard. Call on me whenever you want."

Garrus watched her leave the room and walk towards the now almost empty mess. The scent of her hanged in the air and he tried to keep it in his nose. Had he gone too far? Garrus didn't think so. Even if he sometimes had problems reading the body signs of humans he thought that he had affected her in the same way as her presence affected him. He had strong feelings for her, but he'd lived in celibate since Ritikkas death and his bodily desire couldn't be pushed aside any longer. He only wished he could keep it in line for a while more. It was for the best if he tried to finish the calibration-run he had started earlier today.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Jacob sat at one of the tables with a cup of coffee for himself and a cup of black tea for Shepard. She seated herself opposite to him and took her cup in her hands.

"So, what's on you mind, Jacob?"

"Commander, we have talked a lot and I don't know if I have misunderstood something but…is there something between us?"

Just what she thought. In one way it was nice he brought it up, but she really hoped he would take it like a man, and not like a certain lieutenant.

"I'm sorry Jacob if I had you believe it was so. I like to talk to my subordinates and I'm sorry if the situation has been misinterpreted."

"Oh, ok. No problem, Commander. I might be forward, but it aint usual for a beautiful woman like you to be so kind to her crew without having a secret motive. It can easily be misunderstandings."

"I care about my crew and for me it is important to keep up a good communication, to create better cooperation and trust. "

"I understand, Commander. So…friends?"

"Friends. " Shepard relaxed a little. This went better than hoped for. "So, how is it between you and Miranda now?"

"Eh, good…I think. We haven't had the possibility to talk that much. Why?"

"I've noticed you staring at her, when you think no one is looking."

"You know we have a history, and she is extremely attractive, no offense Commander. "

"None taken, and please, drop the Commander."

"Sure, Shepard. We were good but…" Jacob silenced.

"But? What happened?"

"Different responsibilities and projects I guess. We never had time for each other."

"Uhu. And now? Same mission and the same place. Maybe time to resume what you once had?"

"Hm, maybe." Jacob squinted towards Mirandas door.

"Maybe go over there and say Hi. I think she will appreciate the break, from whatever she has been doing for hours now. "

"Yeah, why not. But tell me, is there something between you and Garrus? I seemed to disturb you." He had a grin on his face.

"Oh, come on. First Miranda, and now you? Garrus is my best friend. "

"So? Something seems to be going on. "

"I prefer to keep my private life to myself."

"It is hard to keep it private when you live on a ship. Besides, you are meddling in mine."

"Ah, touché, Jacob. It is not official, and I would prefer if it could continue that way."

"No problems, Shepard."

"No? Miranda seems to have a problem with it."

"Miranda isn't too happy with aliens, but she doesn't have anything against cross-species relationships. But you are her project, which she is very proud of and she considers you to be the best one to represent the humanity in the Galaxy. And a relationship with a turian could ruin that picture. I disagree, but even if she has some crazy ideas she is actuall kind-hearted and easy to like when you have gotten close to her."

"It's hard to believe. Even if I live much thanks to her it doesn't mean I'm a marionette. I do what I want which makes us disagree a lot. "

"I understand and am not saying anything about it. Well, it's getting late and I think I will change some words with Miranda before I head for my bunk. See you, Shepard."

"Later, Jacob." She watched him go towards Mirandas office and she smiled to herself. She drank up what was left in her cup and put it in the sink. Her armor didn't clean itself and she regretted she had let it lay on the floor until now, and it was nothing else to do but go to her cabin. She looked towards Garrus, who seemed to be busy at the screen so she sent him a message and went for the elevator.

**.:Time for this lazy Commander to clean her armor. You can make me company if you want.:.**

**.:I'll come up in 15:.**

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Shepard was happy, confused, extactic and terrified, all at once. Her body was in rebellion. It was too early and she didn't know if she was ready to make this a full grown relationship, but still it was all too long ago since she had allowed herself to feel like a woman. And the response Garrus created in her body was something she had never experienced before. Every nerve reacted to his closeness.

Shepard started to clean her chestplate to try to think of something else. She sprayed antiseptic on the inside and began to dry it of with a synthetic cloth. What would she say when he got up here? What did he expect? Since when did this get so complicated? She sighed loudly to herself and continued to clean her helmet.

Garrus had never been in a hurry to finish a calibration-run before, and even if he wanted to go to her in this very minute, his pride hindered him from not finish what he had started. Ten minutes became twenty before he was done. He changed to casual clothes and headed to the elevator.

It felt like an eternity before the doors opened, and even longer before he came up to her level. He stepped out of the elevator and stopped. What should he do now? And say? Garrus was seldom nervous, and then often when he was meeting his father.

Shepard heard the elevator doors open, and she wondered why he didn't come in. She knew he stood out there. Was he as nervous as her? She got up from the floor and opened the door.

"Hey, big guy. I heard you were about to help me clean my armor." Shepard smiled at him in an attempt to make this less awkward.

"Yeah, obviously I have a very sloppy and lazy Commander who let her subordinates do her job. " His mandibles smiled at her.

"Well, she has at least taken care of the worst" she said and pointed at her chestplate and helmet.

"I don't know about that, these boots doesn't look so fresh." Garrus smelled at them and made a disgusted face.

"Oh, come on! Since when are boots fresh? Sweaty feets belongs. "

"Not really. We turians doesn't sweat like you humans do. "

"But how do you regulate the body heat?"

"We seldom have to. But if we were to overheat then our plates open up more to let the air stream more freely. "

"No wonder you clean your armor much faster" Shepard mumbled. Garrus laughed and took the spray and a cloth.

They chichatted about the day's mission while they cleaned her armor.

"So…Jacob and Miranda?" Shepard looked at Garrus with surprise.

"How did you know?"

"For being a Commander who likes to cooperate with aliens, you are very ignorant sometimes about our skills. I heard your conversation from where I was."

"Oh."

"And I could hear your heartbeats earlier, how they quickened when I did this." Garrus leaned forward and was only inches from her face when he used a purring subharmonic sound.

_I want you. _

Her pupils widened and the lips parted slightly when she felt the muffled vibrations in the air between them. She didn't know its meaning, but it didn't matter.

"Kayla, I know you want to take it slow. I really want to too, but you affect me in ways no other have. Human, you make me crazy. " Garrus took her hand in his and caressed her small, soft fingers.

"I feel the same way, Garrus. I really wanted to take it slow, because I thought I wasn't ready. But you make me feel…wanted, which I haven't felt for a long time. "

"Are you sure you want this? I mean…with me? Not something closer to home?" Garrus voice dropped a little, and she could tell he wasn't sure about the answer. Shepard looked him in the eyes.

"Normandy is my residence, but you make it feel like home. So yes, I want this." She took his mandibles in her hands and leaned her head to his. Garrus embraced the moment, and his subharmonics played a low drill to her ears.

_I love you. I love you. I love you. _

He touched her waist to urge her to come closer ,and she broke their contact to move into his lap, with her legs around his waist and back. She looked into his beautiful blue eyes and carefully caressed his fringe. So different to human hair, but still it felt like the most natural thing to do. She let her lips touch his cheek lightly, and awaited his reaction. Garrus hummed in approvement, and she kissed his mandible. She could feel the tiny flutterings against her lips. She nibbled it carefully, and Garrus couldn't resist to moan a little.

"So that's what kisses is about." She couldn't read if he wanted her to stop or continue.

"Want me to quit?"

"No! It is…an unusual feeling, but very pleasant."

Shepards lips wandered down and she finally kissed his mouthplate. Carefully she let her tongue slowly slide along his mouth. Garrus opened it and hesitantly let his rough, long tongue meet hers. An explosion of sensations ripped through him. This was something new but so fantastic, she tasted waguely of the tea she had drank earlier. Their tongues continued their wild dance, and after a while Garrus grabbed her bottom to rise, and she hold her legs tight around his waist. He lifted her as if she weighted nothing.

He took the few steps down to the alcove and carefully put her on the bed. Spirits, she was so beautiful with her loosened hair. Her cheeks were rosy and her lips were swollen. He had fallen for her, and fallen hard. He tried to lay himself over her, but his chest was in the way. After some adjustment they laid on their side, which had broken some of the spell.

"I guess we have some things to figure out" she said, a little embarrassed.

"Yeah, I guess we have." Garrus smiled to her, and stroke a finger gently over her cheek. "Spirits, Kayla. Human kisses might be one of the best things I've experienced. If I knew what your mouths could do I might have tried it earlier."

"But then I wouldn't have had the honor to be your first. And you know nothing yet about what I can do with my lips" she said with a teasing grin.

Garrus flicked his mandibles nervously. No matter how much he wanted her right now, this was not the time to go all the way.

"Kayla, don't take this the wrong. I want you so badly, but I want it to be a moment for us to enjoy each other without the awkward pieces. I want it to be just right." He looked at her, unsure of how she would take it.

"It's ok, Garrus. I agree, even if my body doesn't at the moment."

He put his head to hears and inhaled the fragrance of Her.

"It's getting late. Maybe I should go down before anyone gets suspicious." He made an attempt to rise but Shepard caught is hand.

"Please, don't go. I want you to stay".

He couldn't resist those green, begging eyes of hers.

"Are you sure? Crew might start to talk."

"I don't really care. I want you here with me. "

He laid down on the bed again, and she took his hand and turned her back on him while she snuggled closer to him. His hand was tucked to her chest and he couldn't resist to let go of a purr in his chest. They laid like that for a long time.

"I love when you are making that sound. It feels safe." she said, with a low voice. Shepard was about to fall asleep.

Garrus was tired too, it had been a long day and he felt his consciousness drift towards sleep. He could hear her heartbeats and for a few seconds it was as if their hearts beat as one.


	11. What would I be without your breaths

**_A/N: Thanks to my lovely reviewers who makes me continue this story. Just want to warn you about incoming mature stuff. _**

_I know that you're sleeping  
><em>_I feel the heat from your skin  
><em>_Just the scent is enough to make me weak  
><em>_But I don't dare to wake you up_

_I would give you  
><em>_Everything you're pointing at  
><em>_But only when you can't hear me  
><em>_I dare to say so._

_I can't even walk  
><em>_Without your air in my lungs  
><em>_I can't even stand  
><em>_When you're not watching  
><em>_And translucent gray I become  
><em>_Without your breaths_

_My clock has stopped  
><em>_Under your eyelids  
><em>_The dreams are fluttering by  
><em>_On the inside you're featherly light and white  
><em>_  
>And without a sound<br>__My heart in your hand  
><em>_I've lost my speech  
><em>_It is stuck in your hair_

_I can't even walk  
><em>_Without your air in my lungs  
><em>_I can't even stand  
><em>_When you're not watching  
><em>_And colorless like a tear I become  
><em>_Without your breaths…_

_What would I be  
><em>_Without your breaths?_

_**.:Utan dina andetag – Kent:.** _

_(swedish band, lyrics translated from swedish to english)_

* * *

><p>Garrus woke up in the middle of the night by a strange, ventilating sound, which he couldn't really place. He looked up and saw Shepard lay at full length, staring up at the canopy above the bed. She laid and hyperventilated with eyes wide open, and whimpering. Through his visor he could see her high heart rate.<p>

"Kayla?" He didn't get any answer. Garrus shook her shoulder a little and said her name, louder this time. "KAYLA? What's wrong?" Still no response. He looked up at the roof, but couldn't see anything in particular. What had made her react like this?

"Kayla, please answer me! What's happening?" Garrus panicked.

"EDI, can you please wake up Dr Chakwas and tell her to come. Say it's urgent."

"Negative, Officer Vakarian. Commander Shepard has forbidden me to do so when this occur."

"You mean this has happened before?"

"Yes, every night since she boarded the ship, except for when she slept down in the main battery last night. It will pass within an hour, and Commander Shepard doesn't want to disturb Dr Chakwas with this in the middle of the night. "

"Ok, thanks EDI."

"Good night, Officer Vakarian."

Garrus kneeled over Shepard and caressed her cheek, and he seemed to hear her breathing slow down just a little. He took her head in his hands and put his forehead against hers, and started to hum lowly in her ear. His thumbs caressed her cheeks gently and she started to breath more regularly. Her eyes finally met his own.

"Garrus?"

"I'm here, Kayla." Shepard started to sob, and he felt tears run down her cheeks, and over his fingers. He laid himself on the side and took her in his arms while she sobbed against his shoulder. She had no fringe like him, but he stroked her hair, and it seemed to have a calming effect. After a while Shepard's cry decelerated and he could hear her breath go back to normal.

"I'm so sorry, Garrus, that you had to see me like this."

"Don't be. I just got so afraid for your sake, and didn't know what to do. I asked EDI to bring Chakwas, but you had forbidden it. What happened?"

"Angst attack." Shepard seemed to be embarrassed and didn't want to look at him.

"Want to talk about it?" he asked, and continued to caress her hair.

"No, but I guess you want an explanation. It's just that..I don't want to lay a burden on you. "

"I don't require anything, Kayla. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but it will NEVER be a burden to me. I'm here for you whenever you need me, and that includes the difficult moments too. I don't want you to suffer like you did now."

"Thanks, Garrus." Shepard kissed him lightly on the mandible. "You know I've had problems with my sleep, and lately it has become much worse. It is this fucking canopy's fault. When I open my eyes and the stars are the first thing I see…"

"It reminds you of your death, doesn't it?" Garrus mumbled into her hair.

"Yes, and I know it is so irrational but I panick and can't get out of it. Not the best to be mentally unstable as a Commander. And that's why I don't want Chakwas to know."

"It would be more strange if you didn't react in one way or another. You need to talk with someone, and don't let the stress build up too much tension within you. "

"Well, I refuse to speak with Ms. Flirty."

Garrus chuckled.

"What?"

"Flirty, alright!"

"What has she done?" Shepard asked a little warily.

"Jealous?" He smiled a little.

"No, but we clashed a little some days ago, and she hinted she had some interest in you. "

"That's the least you can say. She said that if you weren't interested then she would gladly help me blow off some steam. Very forward, so to speak."

"Arr, that bitch!"

"Hehe, don't worry. I'm yours. "

"I know, but I'm surprised she couldn't manage to be more professional."

"Not everyone can be like you, you know. And besides she tried to be helpful, which is her job."

"By sleeping with my crew?"

"Not in the way you think. When turians get too stressed they need to ease the tension, either by sparring or having sex. Too much stress without release for a long time could be lethal. We don't have the same stigma about sex as you humans, and we are more open about it."

"Oh." Shepard silenced for a minute. "Am I making it worse for you? I mean…"

Garrus interrupted her and said "What? NO! Don't worry about that." He rose himself up on one elbow and laid a hand on her neck and stroke her cheek. "Spirits know I want you, but as I said yesterday I want it to be right. I'm in no hurry. "

Shepard looked up at him with gratitude. She laid her hand behind his neck and lifted her head against his.

"Thanks, Garrus. It means a lot to me. Want to hold me until I fall asleep again?"

"Of course, Kayla. There's nothing I rather do now. Come here. "

Shepard laid her self to rest in his arms, and sighed . Garrus was so happy for having her in his arms, and unconsciously started to purr. She smiled inwardly while she felt a pleasant tiredness spread through her body. Soon she breathed heavily.

One hour later Garrus was still awake, and he was thinking about them. They had had a rough time, both of them, and he would never want to see her suffer like this again as she had done this night. Even if he had to paint the roof in black just to cover the canopy. Garrus leered down on this wonderful, sleeping creature that was his. Under her eyelid her dreams were fluttering by. His heart laid exposed in her hands, and he was about to explode by all these feelings she created within him. He would never want to loose her again, and he would do anything in his power to prevent it. He would always have her back. Always.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

His eyes shot wide open and his pulse increased. What was happening? It took him a few seconds to realise it was Shepard's alarm that had set off. She murmured in his arms, and clearly showed she didn't intend to go up.

"Good morning, Sunshine" he said and only got an "grrmmmm" for an answer. He smiled to himself and nibbled her a little at her neck. He got a big smile as a reward.

"I'm taking the liberty to use your shower while I'm here."

"Mmm, do that. I will be up in a minute." Shepard snuggled herself deep into the pillow. He rose unwillingly from the bed, and looked down on her for a moment before he headed for the shower. He wasn't surprised about the big space in the bathroom, but it was a shame the crew quarters were so small in comparison. He turned the shower on and pressed the button for higher degrees. The scalding water hit his plated body, and he enjoyed that he didn't have to hurry because other was waiting for their turn. He put the hands on the wall above his head and rested his forehad on the cooler wall.

The steam was getting thicker and he was about to step out of the shower when he heard the door open, and the air on the floor instantly got cooler. Garrus froze and didn't know if he should say something or if he should pretend nothing was happening. With his sharp hearing he could hear her night clothes drop softly to the floor, and her neat steps came towards him, but she stopped halfway, as if she was insecure.

He right then got very conscious about his naked body. Should he turn around? What was she thinking when she looked at him, if she looked at all? He hated to be this unsure. Suddenly he felt her fingertips on his back. She was so close, and he didn't dare to turn, if it would ruin the moment. The fingers slowly slided down his back and when they touched his waist he couldn't hold in a low growl. Her hands disappeared quickly.

"Sorry…I.." she began, but he interrupted her by turning around and look down at her beautiful face.

"Don't be. It was…pleasant. The waist is very sensitive for sensual touching."

She looked so embarrased, and so unlike her Commander face right now. Garrus bent down and tried to kiss her human-style by nibble her carefully in her lips. Her soft tongue met his rougher one, ans she tasted fantastic. Like the rare summer rain on Palaven. Like the metallic air in the mountains. Like home. The water beams wet her red hair, and it turned into mahogny, but Garrus didn't notice. The only thing existing was this sensation when their tongues played with each other.

Shepard awkwardly put her hands on his waist again, and a vibrant moan rumbled in his chest. He could barely control himself, and he worridly felt his lower abdomen plates start to shift. He didn't want to take her here in the shower, but he didn't want to quit either. No matter how little he wanted to, he broke their kissing and looked her in the eyes.

"Shepard…I…I can't resist for much longer. You are too desirable." She could hear in his voice that she affected him, and she felt joy that he actuallty desired her. HER!

"Then don't." She stroke her thumbs daringly over his bulging pelvis plates and she could feel they was about to make way for something bigger. She didn't know what to expect, but she was done with taking it easy. Her words were redemptive, and Garrus felt how his slit widened when his erection wanted to get free.

Shepard dared to look down, and with her thumb she softly stroke over his incipient erection. She looked at him and he nodded weakly. She continued to stroke the tip on his sex and was fascinated of how it grew out of the slit. It was so big, and a little ridged all the way back, and so beautifully blue.

She carefully drew a finger along his length, and he began to purr. Since he didn't say anything she took a trying grip at the shaft, which was sticky with lubricate from the slit. She let her hand slide up a few inches and then down again.

"Kayla, what are you doing with me?" His voice was so much more darker and more guttural.

"Don't you touch each other like this?" She looked questioningly at him, and became a bit unsure.

"No, not really. Turians almost never touch the sex. We have a…different kind of foreplay."

"Oh, do you want me to stop?"

"Spirits, no! What you are doing feels fantastic."

She smiled at him shrewdly, and began to stroke his member more steadily. Garrus purred rumbled higher and he had to take a step back to get some support from the wall when she touched him and kissed him at the same time. After a while her mouth began to kiss his mandible, and let her tongue slide down his neck and throat. She didn't know why, but it felt natural to bite him carefully there, and Shepard got rewarded with a fierce growl.

With the other hand she began to caress his waist while her mouth wandered down his chest. Finally she kneeled before him and kissed his plates on the stomach. Before she continued downwards, she looked up at him, as if to ask for permission, but he looked back uncomprehendingly.

Her lips parted and her tongue tryingly tasted his tip. He moaned and Shepard dared to let her whole tongue circulate, he tasted waguely metallic, but not unpleasant in any way. Garrus closed his eyes and stroke her hair.

Shepard felt a huge inner need of satisfying him, and she opened her mouth more and let her lips close around his ridged erection. He was big, and she barely managed to take him in her mouth.

Garrus had difficulties to control himself where he stood. He had never experienced something like this. The feeling of smooth, warm tongue and her soft lips were almost too much, and he didn't think it had never felt this good ever before. The sensation was so rich and he couldn't see anything but lots of colors before his eyes. When he thought it couldn't get better she began to move her head slowly up and down. Her soft, red lips enveloped him in a fantastic way, and her tongue massaged his ridged skin. She fucked him with her mouth. He wouldn't hold for long and he had to tell her.

"Shepard, I can't hold it for much longer." His words didn't make her to retreat, but instead she tried to take more of him in her mouth and he couldn't hold it in anymore. He came, and animalistically growled out his orgasm, making it echoing in the bathroom. His legs didn't bear him, and he sank down to the floor.

"Kayla, that was the most pleasant thing I've experienced in my whole life. A _thanks _is not enough, but thank you."

"No need to thank me. It pleased me that I could satisfy you." She sat down opposite to him, and kissed his mandible.

"I think I understand why your mouths are so elastic." He winked at her.

"Shame on you, Garrus." Shepard smiled at him.

"I believe it is my turn to explore your body." Garrus took her hand in his and was about to kiss her when they were interrupted.

"Commander, wakie wakie. We are at the Citadel in one and a half hour."

"You gotta be kidding me Joker, You have the shittiest timing ever. "

"Not my fault you chose to take a morning in, sweetheart." Shepard stuck out her tongue at the speaker in the bathroom.

"If you are not playing nice I might ask EDI to make your life a little more difficult. "

"You wouldn't dare. " Joker laughed and turned off the speaker.

Shepard sighed loudly, and then looked at Garrus.

"I guess I will owe you one." he said.

"Hell yeah you are. I think we have to finish our shower and get ready."

When they were done and had dressed they walked out of the cabin and was waiting for the elevator.

"So…How do you want to do this? I don't think anyone will miss that I haven't slept down in the battery this night. "

"Do you know what? I don't care. I'm the Commander and as long as I get the shit done they don't have a saying about my private life. Let's go down together.

Shepard tiptoed and threw her arms around his neck, just to nibble him a little in his mandible. He nibbled her back and they smiled sheepishly at each other, just like people in love did. When the doors opened to the CIC they stepped out at the same time and Chambers turned around.

Her face was priceless, and Shepard laughed inwards.

"Good Morning, Yeoman."

"Eh..Good morning, Commander."

"So, any new mails?"

"No, Commander." An awkward silence was threatening their conversation. "You and Garrus, huh?"

"Yep. That means hands off."

"Well, a girl can dream at least."

"I didn't hear that, Chambers." Shepard walked towards the cockpit to have a word with Joker.


	12. You keep me from breaking apart

_I am only here because of you_

_And because you never left me behind_

_Saying thanks in my own way_

_I say it with a song that soon will fade away_

_You keep me from breaking apart_

_You understand the chaos in my head_

_Only you understand every word I say_

_You restore my soul and erase all hurt_

_The hurt that only you can take away_

_You keep me from breaking apart_

_**.: You keep me from breaking apart – Apoptygma Berzerk:.**_

* * *

><p>"Crew, listen up. We will soon dock at The Citadel. Unfortunately there will be no overnight stay, but you will get 12 hours of shore leave. Use it well, and be back an our before the night shift starts. ETD is 24.00 Citadel Time. Out. "<p>

Garrus watched when Shepard made herself ready to leave the ship with Miranda and Mordin. Before she left she shot a gaze at Garrus and gave him a wicked smile which made him all warm inside. He thought back at what had happened in the shower. A mindblowing moment he would never forget. Not his body either, which was still in a silent rebellion. He hoped he would get the chance to repay the pleasure to her. But before then he had some errands to take care of. His steps moved to the Med Bay.

He knocked at the door before he stepped inside. Dr Chakwas sat at her desk, and spinned in her chair when she heard him enter.

"Garrus! A pleasure to see you. What can I help you with?"

"Hey Doc! I haven't come for myself, but for someone else. I'm worried about the Commander."

"It takes a lot for you to be worried, Garrus. Tell me."

Garrus fidgeted a little before he met her gaze. If Shepard knew he went behind her back she would be so mad at him, but her well-being was more important.

"Well, I visited her last night and we fell asleep together…" Chakwas lifted an eyebrow but didn't say anything and made a sign to him to continue.

"I woke up in the middle of the night, she was hyperventilating. She stared right up at the canopy, and relived the moment when she died. According to EDI this is happening almost every night. "

"How does it come I get to know about this only now?" Her forehead wrinkled.

"Shepard has forbidden EDI to say anything. Me too, but I can't obey bad orders. I just wanted you to know."

"I'm not surprised. It's the stubborn Commander we are talking about. You care about her."

"A lot. Is this conversation confidential?"

"Of course, Garrus. I maintain professional secrecy as long as it doesn't affect life or death."

"I love her. Have been since the beginning I think. She doesn't know it, though. Just that I have feelings for her. "

"Are them answered?"

"Yes. We have decided to give it a try." Garrus mandibles fluttered in shyness.

"I almost understood that. It was just a matter of time after your little sparring." Chakwas smiled. "Back to her mental health. Without talking to her I can't put a diagnose, but I'm pretty sure she suffers from posttraumatic stress syndrome. Since she is so stubborn she won't take pills for the anxiety, it makes her mind somewhat slower for a time. "

"What can I do to help?" Garrus really wanted to help but he didn't know how.

"Just to be there. She needs closeness and care from her friends to keep her anchored to the reality, to lessen her stress. Keep her company at night, to prevent her from breaking apart. Hopefully it will be better with time. As for the canopy you can maybe drape it with something?"

"I am sorry for disturbing your conversation, Dr Chakwas."

"Go ahead EDI. What's on your mind?"

"Mr. Moreau gave a suggestion you could dim the window in her bedroom at night."

"Did he, now? And how come he can give that advice without confessing he is eavesdropping on a confidential conversation between a doctor and her patient?"

A moment of silence before EDI answered.

"He will no longer have a two-way connection with the Med Bay without your permission, Dr Chakwas. "

"Thank you, EDI. Now let me and Garrus be."

"Yes Doctor. Logging out. "

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"Ok, really? How many times can you walk by without stopping? Please tell me your password, Commander Shepard." Shepard had walked around the advertisment pillar a few turns with answering the adds, just to see if they were recorded or if the pillar was hacked. Apparently the last, which she had suspected from the beginning.

"You know who I am, Kasumi. I don't have time for playing games."

"Shame, really a shame. But Kasumi Goto's services is yours, Commander. "

"Has Cerberus given you enough information about the mission?"

"For now, yes. But I will have questions for you later. Did they tell you they promised me some aid with a private mission of mine?"

"I guess that's something The Illusive Man chose to forget to tell me, I guess. Do you want to meet face to face, and make us company this day Ms. Goto?"

"Not really. I'm the best thief there is, not the most famous and I want to keep it that way. See you at the Normandy, Commander. And don't forget you owe me a favor."

She felt stupid for have been talking with a pillar, and she saw in the corner of her eye that a few people looked her way. Well well. Another person to her crew, and it hadn't gone 30 minutes yet since they left Normandy. Her stomach ached and rumbled, and she worried about if this morning's ingestion would be any problem. She hadn't had breakfast yet and her stomach was revolting. A quick turn to Anderson and then grab a cup of tea and a sandwish somewhere.

"Miranda, can I leave you alone with your shopping list? I have a few things I have to take care of."

"I'm fine, Commander. Any last minute changes for the list?"

"Nope."

"Ok, see you later." Miranda's perfect body in that white, tight garment moved smoothly around a corner.

"Well then, Mordin. This was a short mission. I release you to whatever you need to do today."

"Appreciated, Commander. Suggest you to eat. Even without allergic reaction you can get stomach ache if ingesting turian semen." Mordin pointed at her rumbling stomach, and her face got red as a boiled lobster.

"How did you know?" she asked silently.

"Not hard to figure out. Stomach rumbles, and cabin is right above my lab. The ship is not completely soundproof. Don't worry. Strictly confidential."

"Ehm…Thanks…Mordin."

Shepard left the place with quick steps in an attempt to forget their awkward conversation.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Garrus roamed through the 27th floor of the Zakera Ward to say hello to his former colleagues at the C-Sec. He saw a known face and before he had the chance to turn around the other one looked up and saw recognitionally at him and started to walk towards Garrus.

_Oh shit. _Garrus sighed inwardly but knew this conversation couldn't be avoided. The last time they had contact was on Omega when he thought he was about to die.

"Garrus." A cold salute, as always. He answered back in the same icy pitch.

"Father."

"So you survived Omega after all."

"I did. Commander Shepard came to my rescue."

"I guessed as much, since the rumors about her resurrection were true. What has happened to your face?" Tetus grabbed his face and turned it to examine his scars.

"A rocket decided my face was a nice bull's eye. Shepard saved my life, literally."

"So, it's Shepard now? What happened with the _Commander_?" Garrus wasn't surprised his father had picked up the precluded title.

"She's my best friend and comrade, and has saved my ass more times than I can count."

"Best friends, huh? Anything else I should now about?" His father's gaze told him everything about what Tetus thought about his collaborations with humans.

"None of your business." Garrus stared his father right in the eyes, challenging him to say something.

"With that scar, it doesn't matter anyway. The mating request has drastically decreased after you left C-Sec and chose to work with that human. You left the Turian Way long ago. " He heard disdain in his father's subharmonics.

"You made me to." A low growl warned his father to continue. Their conversation always ended in this; that he wasn't a god turian. He didn't care anymore. Turians generally were narrow-minded, his father in particular.

"And now you are on some great adventure, under Cerberus flag."

"I don't require your understanding or your blessing. But I trust Commander Shepard's judgement. This is so much bigger than a fucking adventure. It is about the safety of the Galaxy."

"There's no proof."

"Just because The Council choose to look another way and put the lid on the rumors. Commander Shepard were right about Saren, and she is right this time too."

"You should come home, Garrus. Your sister miss you. And your mother isn't becoming better." Garrus got some guilty conscience. The rest of his family shouldn't suffer because is father was an asshole, but he couldn't leave Shepard's side. Not now, when there was so much at stake.

"I can't. Not now. I will call them later, and I send all the credits I can for mother's treatment."

"Credits can't buy love for your family."

"I know. But it's the best I can do for now."

Garrus froze. He saw Shepard come walking towards them, and he hoped this wouldn't end in a catastrophe.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Shepard had given Anderson a quick visit at his office. She was glad to see him, and he was also. It was nice to get some moral support when all others seemed to doubt her. She was on her way to try find something to eat when she saw Garrus outside the C-Sec, stand and talk with another turian. She closed in and saw a distressed look in his face when he saw her. Was this untimely?

"Hey, Garrus! Am I disturbing you?"

"No, Commander. Let me introduce you to my father, Tetus Vakarian. Father, this is Commander Shepard." Shepard turned towards his father and stood in attention and then bowed from her waist, in a perfect imitation of a turian salutation.

"Mr. Vakarian. Pleasure to meet you."

Tetus bowed only as much as the etiquette required and looked back at Garrus.

"Garrus, Commander." Then he turned and left. Garrus sighed deeply and closed his eyes for a moment.

"Did I do anything wrong?" Shepard put her hand on his arm and looked worriedly at him.

"No. I just have a very uncivilized father. Want something to eat? It's lunch time."

"Does that work for you?" she asked and pointed at Zakera Café.

"Sure, it's a Dextro/Levo-café, so why not?"

They went to the café, side by side in silence. When they were there Shepard stood at the counter waiting for service. After a minute a turian came forward.

"Welcome to Zakera Café. How may I help you?"

"Do you have black tea?"

"Yes, we do. We have a brought a new variety, with a hint of Palaven Moonlily if you want to try. Levo-safe of course."

"Sure, why not? And a chicken sandwich too, please."

"Of course. And for you, sir? Maybe a cup of blue Kashtu, with beans from the Palaven Mountains?"

"Yes, that sounds good. Nothing to eat though. "

"Do you pay separately or together?"

"I pay" Shepard said and kept her Omnitool above the creditcounter on the desk.

"By the way, do you have palatabilty enhancer for sale? I have different races aboard, and the dextro/levo rations are at best tasteless. " The turian behind the counter fluttered his mandibles in amusement.

"Of course! We can deliver to your ship immediately."

"Oh! Good. Deliver it to the Normandy." The turian halted his movement.

"So, you are the famous Commander Shepard. Pleasure to make your acquaintance. The goods will be at the ship within an hour. "

"Thank you."

Garrus and Shepard turned around to find an available table to stand at, and found one farthest away at the wall.

"So, want to talk about your father?" She sipped carefully at her cup of turian tea. It actually tasted really good, and she reminded herself to buy a lot more before they left.

"What is there to say? He is a turian of the old, conservative school. He has always tried to steer my lifechoices, and isn't too happy that I quitted my C-Sec career to follow you instead and save the galaxy. What he did now was very rude and for that I am apologizing. You are a human, and to top it all: a Spectre. Two things he hates combined. "

"I guess I'm not the perfect daugher-in-law, then." she answered, with a sad smile.

"Not to him. But to me you are perfect." Garrus touched her hand carefully and then withdrew. She was Commander Shepard now, not Kayla Shepard. He didn't know how much affection they could show each other. She smiled at him and laid her hand over his.

"Tell me more about the rest of your family. I barely know anything about them. "

"Well, I have a sister – Solana. She is four years younger than me."

"This is embarrassing, but how old are you Garrus? I've never asked you." Shepard smiled awkwarldy and made a face.

"I am surprised, Kayla, that you don't know. I'm 31."

"Like me then. I always thought of you as younger than me. But please, continue."

"She is beautiful, smart and and a hell of a soldier. She was in the military up until now, and is taking care of our mother. My mother is very sick in a degenerative disease called Corpalis Syndrome. "

"Is there any cure?"

"Not yet, only repressive meds. The salarians are working on a cure, but they are so far only in the experimental stage." Shepard squeezed his hand.

"I'm so sorry, Garrus. Is there anything I can do?"

"Thanks for asking, but no. It's nothing I want to lay on you."

"Hey! If there's anything I can do then let me. You are there for me, than let me support you."

Garrus hesitated for a moment. "The salarians has acknowledged my mother as a medical experimental object for their new treatment, but they need credits to get ahead in the development."

"How much credits are we talking about?"

Garrus was silent for a while, and looked down on the cup in his hand before he mumbled "150-200k of credits."

"It's yours, Garrus." she said within a blink of an eye.

"No, Kayla. I can't take it from you."

"You're not taking it. I am giving it as a gift to the one I care about most in this galaxy. Please let me help you."

Garrus hummed in appreciation. She smiled enchantingly at him. Oh, how he loved this kindhearted female.

"Thanks, Kayla. It means so much to me."

"I would do anything for you, Garrus. Anything."


End file.
